A Farmhouse Table for Dummies - The Freelance Files MMCCXIII

real farmhouse table

Are you tired of tables yet? We know we are...  so, we promise, this is the last one, at least in this consecutive run of table talk. Who knows what dumbassery lurks on the 'net for us to expose in the future? We're sure there's a lot. OK, with that out of the way, let us have a look at Caprice Castano and her attempt to tell eHow.com readers "How to Build a 12-Foot Farmhouse Table" way back in 2009. Leaf has since migrated the post to HomeSteady.com, if anyone cares. We know we don't!

Right up front, Castano managed to find Ana White's blog at HGTV.com with a project that almost fit (it was for a eight-foot farmhouse table, but she must've figured, "Close enough for government work"). Caprice had two references, but get this: they were for the same Ana White post at two different locations. Duh! Anyway, we wanted to feature Caprice's work mostly because her bio claimed that she had,

"...recently left the field of construction management to operate her own contracting business..."

...which eHow's geniuses apparently assumed meant she knew something about working with wood. Turns out she was the office manager, and didn't seem to know which of a hammer to use on a nail! Here's some of her foolishness:

• "Cut the two [six-foot] 1-by-4 boards down to 40 inches each" – Why not buy one eight-foot board?
• "Use the carpenter's square to make sure the joints are even at the corners" – A carpenter's square does not ensure that "joints are even," whatever that means; it ensures that corners are square.
• "Cut 11 pieces of 2-by-2 to a length of 40 inches each. Set these inside the frame between the longer side pieces at 12-inch intervals."  – The inside length of her "frame" (actually the apron) is 134½ inches; the spacing mentioned would result in 160½ inches. Do math much, Caprice?
• "The top boards are the remaining eight 12-foot boards." – Castano specified 1-by-6 lumber, which she instructs her readers to lay on an apron that is 41½" wide. Apparently, she thinks that will be 48" wide... but 1-by-6 lumber is 5½" wide, so her tabletop is only 43"; with three-fourths of an inch overhang on the sides.
• "Turn the tabletop over. Secure the tabletop boards to the cross supports by screwing through the supports and into the tabletop boards from the bottom" – This would be fine except for one problem: Caprice's materials list calls for "200 2-1/2-inch wood screws." We guess she didn't realize that the combined thickness of a 2-by-2 and a 1-by-6 is 2¼ inches, so all those screws would protrude through the top of the table by a quarter of an inch. Oh, well, at least plates wouldn't slide around!
• "Set the [legs] into the corners of the frame. Secure by screwing through the outer boards of the frame and into the posts. Use two screws to each side of the post or leg (four per leg)." – Dayumm, another eHowian who thinks four 2½" screws will secure a table leg. They won't: you'll need a much more robust system, especially for a twelve-foot table!

Far be it from us to quibble, but we're pretty certain that even an eight-foot table would be pushing the limits of 1-by-4 lumber. At the very least, Castano should have specified 2-inch lumber, if not a third set of legs in the middle. 

So what are we left with? A table with almost no overhang on the sides – mucho uncomfortable for sitting – that sags in the middle, whose top is pierced by dozens of sharp screw points, and whose legs are gonna come loose in a matter of days. Still wonder why Caprice merited this Dumbass of the Day award?

We didn't think so...

DDIY - FURNITURE