Vanity Tables for Dummies - The Freelance Files MMCCIX

simple vanity table

Few freelancers irk our staffers more than the ones who pretend to be providing DIY instructions even though they have no idea how to do it themselves. Some of the most irksome ones, IOHO, are those who attempt to tell us how to build stuff out of wood using carpentry tools, lumber, and fasteners. Not long ago, we ran across a fairly long list of such freelancers with DIY plans for various tables, thanks to Leaf Group's "bunching" strategy at their HomeSteady.com niche. Here's the first nomination from that bunch, returning DotD Judi Light Hopson, with her attempt to transcribe plans for "How to Build a Wood Makeup Vanity Table."

Drawing on her skills as a psychologist (transferable to woodworking? naaahhhh...), Hopson scrounged up a couple of online articles about makeup tables that she claimed as references. One was about salvaging old furniture or building from a kit; the other was a set of plans for sale. Given those resources, it's small wonder that Judi Light failed miserably. Just take a look at some of the "THINGS YOU'LL NEED" from her post:  "...1/2-inch thick plywood, Planed wooden boards, Saws for cutting joints... Wood planers, Router..." Given that we can't even figure out what "Planed wooden boards" means, and we're intermediate-level woodworkers, we imagine that a total amateur would just walk away.¹

Judi pumped out about 500 words of text, including "instructions" on how to create a drawing to 1/6th scale (why, we aren't certain). What she never actually did was... give instructions for constructing the table itself. Her post was full, unfortunately, of semi-coherent rubbish, rubbish
such as,

• "Assemble all wooden boards needed for the top... Alternatively, use half-inch thick plywood for the top. " – No one would use half-inch plywood for a table top. Well, no one but Judi.
• "Sand all of the wood's surfaces with a piece of medium grain sandpaper. Use a cloth to wipe away any extra debris." – Good for a start. Next, sand with fine-grained sandpaper! And would that be a tack cloth, Judi?
• "Dill [sic] holes in each corner of the top no closer than 3/4 of an inch from any edge. Each hole should be half the size of the screw's thread. Glue each leg to the underside of the top where the holes are and allow them to dry. Then fasten screws through each hole on the top to secure the legs." – First, we have no idea why you're "dilling" those holes. Second, what does "half the size of the screw's thread" mean? Third, does this moron actually think that will hold the legs?

These "plans" (an insult to the word "plan," if you ask us) would make a wobbly table without an apron whose legs are just slapped on with screws and a little glue, though how the glue would hold anything escapes us. Plus, if some sucker used plywood to make the table top, the raw edges would be exposed.

If that dumbassery weren't enough to win Hopson her sixth Dumbass of the Day award, maybe this clueless comment would do the trick:

"Cut the top with a jigsaw if you are making a kidney-shaped vanity table. A tabletop saw will work on a square top."

Yeah, right: a "tabletop saw"...

¹ Of course, eHow/Leaf would have already gotten its advertising revenue, so they wouldn't care.

DDIY - FURNITURE