Bump-outs for Remodeling Dummies

Bumpout schematic

Look up the word "chutzpah" in a dictionary some time, and you'll alost certainly run across the phrase "shameless audacity." According to the folks in our research department, it's quite likely that no one among our select group of dumbasses (more than 200 of them as of this writing, and more to come) has more chutzpah than a guy named Mark Fitzpatrick (already the winner of the Dumbass of the Day three times, including for this whopper). As proof, we submit his post to the wondrous world of eHow.com, instructions (and we use that word v-e-e-e-ry loosely) for "How to Bump out a Kitchen Wall."¹ Trust us: you do not want to hire this gentleman to perform a kitchen bump-out on your house: apparently, his studies for that political science degree didn't include construction and remodeling classes...

Where to start, where to start... well, first, Mark suggests that his readers "See how much you can add to your kitchen from your plot plan. Your plot plan will tell you how far your house can encroach onto the next property. For most homes, the maximum bump out is usually around 24 inches." "[How] far your house can encroach onto the next property"? Is he friggin' kidding? Does this yutz even know the meaning of "encroach"? With a start like that, you know that things will get worse -- and they do. Here, in order, are excerpts of the steps Fitzpatrick thinks are necessary for this piddling little task:

1. Clear space.
2. Measure.
3. Remove the wall: "How you remove the wall depends on what type of exterior wall you have."
4. "Step onto a ladder while outside and attach a laminated header. What you are basically doing this moment is adding what will become the head ceiling of your bump out." [WTF is a "head ceiling"?]
5. "Connect the laminated header to your exterior house wall. Depending on what kind of header you bought or how you are putting it on, you may need a screwdriver and screws or a hammer and some nails." [Stupid ass!]
6. "Begin to cantilever the floor on the interior side of the kitchen." 
7. "Create side walls as you are cantilevering. 
8. The side walls need to connect to the new flooring and to the header.
9. "
10. "Finish cantilevering and adding side walls until the bump out is extended to around 24 inches."
11. "Add attributes you wish to have for this bump on. You can have a window to look outside or a pantry to add kitchen accessories."

Oh. My. God!!! This idiot has people "cantilevering" a floor and attaching side walls to a header as he goes. And the blithering idiots at eHow.com PAID this moron to scribble down this unmitigated crap! And they've let the utter bull stand since at least 2014 (per the Internet Wayback Machine)? Has no one ever told them that:

1. Fitzpatrick's "design" doesn't have an exterior wall?
2. Fitzpatrick's "plan" doesn't have a roof?
3. That attaching the side walls to the floor and the header is geometrically impossible without rafters and framing? 
4. That Fitzpatrick clearly has no idea what a header is?
5. Fitzpatrick's "plan" has no foundation and he doesn't seem to know what "cantilever" means, either?

Any fool stupid enough to follow these instructions will be left with a gaping hole in the side of his or her house. Some might suggest that they'd deserve it for turning to eHow.com looking for help with something more complex than folding napkins or washing a plate; we prefer to point to the site and the freelance idiot as the problem. That's why Mark Fitzpatrick, his content editor, and the whole concept of eHow.com are getting our Dumbass of the Day award.

¹ The original has been deleted by Leaf Group, but can still be accessed using the Wayback machine at archive.org. Its URL was   ehow.com/how_7920371_bump-out-kitchen-wall.html

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