Crystals for Dummies

Quartz crystal

The folks at the Antisocial Network aren't much into the belief that crystals have powers. You're welcome to hold such a belief, but we're more convinced in our own control over our lives than that of inanimate objects chipped off the wall of a mine somewhere. Still, we couldn't help laughing at the ridiculous advice eHow.com's Sheri Lamb offered up for some metaphysically-challenged ninny who wanted to know "How to Tell if a Crystal Is Real" (now moved to OurPastimes.com by Leaf Group). We start with the assumption that said ninny wants to know not whether it's real – most people can tell whether something's real or not by simply touching it – but whether it's genuine. Unfortunately, Sheri wasn't much help. She starts out kinda right...

"Crystals consist of atoms, molecules or ions that extend to every spatial dimension in a repeating pattern."

Well, she got the "Crystals consist of atoms..." right, though the rest of it? not so much. We aren't really sure what "extend to every spatial dimension" is supposed to mean, but the repeating pattern thing is sort of right – assuming she means that any mineral has a specific crystalline structure. But enough science: Sheri's answering a question for someone in la-la-land, so why quibble? Let's see what else she has to say:

"The mineral can be formed to chandeliers, cups, bowls, jewelry and cutlery, to name a few examples. Crystals come with various sides, but a naturally-occurring crystal will have equal angles at every side."

We have no idea: what might "come with various sides" mean? And once a crystal has been "formed" into a bowl or cup, how could it possibly have "equal angles at every side," whatever the heck that means?

Sheri's instructions for verifying the "reality" of a crystal:

1. Inspect the angles on the crystal. They should be symmetrical to each other. This isn't true for the crystal species most commonly sold for its supposed magical powers, amethyst. 
2. Notice any bubbles or scratches. These are indications that the crystal is fake. Naturally-occurring crystals have many inclusions ("bubbles"), and scratches? well, scratches happen.

Keep the crystal to the light. Notice any residue or melting. These are signs of a manufactured crystal. WTF does "keep to the light" mean? As for melting, well, she got that right - the residue part, (again) not so much. Look for vertical lines. Real crystal will have vertical lines at almost any angle. How can something have "vertical lines at almost any angle"? Is she talking about striations? Has she ever taken geometry? Is she smarter than a fifth-grader? Who knows... Lick the crystal. Real crystal should be cold even on a hot summer day, while fake crystal is not cold in the heat. That's pretty impressive information. Pretty stupid, too: unless your crystal has been sitting out in the sunlight or on a stove somewhere, it's going to be cooler than body temperature. Moron.

3. Look for any impurities on the crystal. Real crystal almost always has impurities. But the impurities can't be bubbles (2) or residue (3)? How do you tell?
4. Hold the crystal up the the sun or another bright light. Look for faint horizontal stripes or flowering spike-like formations, also called catkin. This is a sign of a real crystal. This is the sign of bull, according to the house mineralogist: Sheri got that "information" from a website that used google translate. Who KNOWS what it said in the original language!

It's our opinion that those who believe crystals have powers have been misled, but if they think Dumbass of the Day Sheri Lamb's information is valid, they're just plain dumb.

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