Making a Hockey Stick, the Dummy Method

Try cutting this out of wood, Michelle!

A couple of our Antisocial Network staff members found themselves watching the Stanley Cup playoffs a few nights ago (Go, Pens!) and one of them remarked in our staff meeting the next morning that most Americans (yes we know, Canadians live in North America, too) seem to know absolutely jack about ice hockey. Ask most of our fellow countrymen the difference between offsides and icing or where the point is, and you'll probably just receive a blank look. Oddly, having this level of ignorance doesn't stop some people from pretending to be knowledgeable about the sport... For a specific example, we now refer you to Michelle Raphael, whose BA in PolySci just plain failed her when she decided to contribute "How to Build a Hockey Stick" to the idiot factory called eHow.com. Leaf's now moved it to SportsRec.com.

There are hundreds (if not thousands) of websites out there that post standard dimensions for an ice hockey stick, and probably an equal number that provide advice on how to select the right size stick. As far as we can tell (frankly, we didn't look very hard), Michelle performed a perfectly workmanlike job of rewording one of those sites when advising her readers how large the stick should be. It's her instructions for "building" a hockey stick that are just plain idiotic. Here's what she says you should do to make a homemade stick:

Draw a hockey stick shape on a big sheet of paper Transfer the shape to a piece of "Poplar or birch wood (at least two inches wide)" Cut out the shape with a band saw Sand your stick smooth. Varnish your stick. Yup: that's what she says! We note that, although she mentioned the "curving blade" a time or two, she said nothing about forming this essential shape. Guess you just sand it to the proper curvature... and flex...

Of course anyone who has ever seen a hockey stick -- or watched a hockey game, for that matter -- knows instantly that these so-called instructions are utter bull. A stick made from a hunk of wood "at least two inches wide" would be totally unwieldy on the ice and have hideous balance problems. But not to worry: as designed, this thing would shatter within the first minute of play, unless maybe it's Peewee Hockey.

Maybe Michelle should have asked someone who knows more about the sport than just how to spell "hockey." But no, instead our Dumbass of the Day displayed her total ignorance of the national sport of Canada and insulted the intelligence of oversized defensemen named Gord everywhere. And let us tell you: you do not want one of those goons after you!

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