Storing a Bicycle for Dummies

This is a "stationary mount"?

We swear, some freelancing fools will write about anything, whether or not they have the slightest idea what they're talking about. We're not even gonna talk about the grammatical mistakes and hyperbolic language some of them use in their never-ending efforts to sound important. No, we're talking about garden-variety stupidity and ignorance of even the most basic factoids. The putz who engendered this particular rant is today's DotD candidate, the third freelancer of the week from the former WhoWhatWhereWhenWhy.com (now cleverly renamed Catalogs.com), Tim Brugger. Tim's topic is "How to Store a Bicycle" (now credited to "Catalogs editorial staff.") As simple as that subject may seem, he proved equal to the challenge of making as many stupid mistakes as possible...

Tim's profile picture shows him in a glorified go-kart, which makes sense in a way: he clearly knows little to nothing about two-wheeled, human-powered transportation. That deficiency is obvious from paragraph one, in which he says,

"With the price of some of these graphite or other alloy bikes creeping up toward a $1,000 or more..." Ummm, Tim? Those aren't "graphite bikes," they're carbon-fiber framed bikes. The word "fiber" is important, since graphite is a mineral that's so soft and crumbly it gets its name from the fact that you can write with it. Pencil "lead" is made with the stuff. Carbon fiber is actually an epoxy resin impregnated with graphite, which means it isn't an "alloy," either. Regardless of how you describe the material, about the only way you'll find a bicycle with a carbon-fiber frame for less than $1,000 is used -- and probably heavily so.

Tim's supposedly "informing" his readers about winter storage (he says so, right up front), but his three storage options (yes, he can only think of three) are in reality nothing more than the typical hooks, hoists, and trees. Hell, any idiot can come up with that trifecta. But Brugger gets bogged down in his lack of knowledge near the end, when he informs you that

"Another option... is a stationary mount. Some of these require you to take off the front wheel, others don’t. Either way, these turn your bike into a stationary piece of exercise equipment to keep up your regimen."

It took a moment for us to figure out what he's talking about there, but we're almost certain he means a trainer. Of course, if Tim were actually even the slightest bit familiar with cycling, he'd know the right terminology. He didn't, but that didn't stop him from trying to earn a couple of extra pennies sharing his hard-won stupidity. You know what? That also earned him a Dumbass of the Day award of his very own.

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