Towing for the Dummy Kia Owner

Towing on a tow dolly

Let's imagine a f'rinstance: you're halfway home from your local Starbucks, tooling down the boulevard in your Kia (Soul, Sportage, Optima, Sorento, Sedona, Rio....) when all of a sudden the Check Engine Light comes on – just as your engine sputters and dies. You've dropped that AAA subscription the 'rents gave you at graduation to afford a better data plan for your iPhone, so you call your BFF to come and get you and the car. When she gets there, you realize neither of you has the slightest idea what you're doing, so you whip out said iPhone and google "How to Tow a Kia."¹ If you're lucky, you will not end up finding the phony answer to that question published by Seth Amery at eHow  (now moved to ItStillRuns.com). Of course, if you had a brain, you'd just look it up in the owner's manual...

If you had bothered to look in the owner's manual, you might have learned information such whether it's acceptable to tow with a cable or strap (and where to attach it), and whether the vehicle can be towed on a dolly or must be towed with all four wheels off the ground. Yes, that information will be in there. If you were unlucky enough to think Seth's is the real answer, you'd "learn" that

"If you need to tow your Kia, you may opt to use a tow dolly..."

Really, Seth? Were you aware that a 4WD or AWD could be damaged if towed on a dolly? Did you think to look? But OK, we'll assume that the vehicle in question can or should be towed on a dolly, since most can; assuming, of course, the vehicle's a front-wheel drive. Let's have a look at Mr. Amery's instructions for using that dolly: "Lower the tow vehicle's locking lever as far as it will go. Insert the pin to secure its position. Move the coupler so that it rests over the round mount on the back bumper." Huh? Wha...? "Lower the tow vehicle"? The "round mount"? WTF are you talking about there, Seth, you dumbass? But then, of course, we found even more dumbassery – there's always more.

"Raise the locking lever up to its original position. Insert the pin to secure its position."

Which lever is that again, Seth, you moron? Of course, if the questioner were going to actually use a tow dolly, she'd need to put the front wheels on the dolly. How does she do that? Well, according to Amery, before she puts that tow vehicle in gear and drive off, she must

"Attach the Kia to the truck with the chains under the bumper, taking care to crisscross the chains. For example, the right chain should attach to the left side and vice versa."

What chains? and if you're going to just chain the poor Kia to something, what's with that whole dolly discussion? And which bumper do you mean, Seth, the Kia's or the tow vehicle's?

So we're left with bad, and incomplete, instructions for attaching a U-Haul tow dolly (probably) to a U-Haul truck (probably), but no instructions on how to place the Kia on the dolly. That's not to mention that your BFF didn't come with a tow dolly, or that you may not be able to use a tow dolly at all. Oh and by the way? Amery didn't mention leaving the Kia's parking brake off... Small wonder we were quick to prepare a Dumbass of the Day award for this guy! Sheesh: what a maroon...

¹ The original has been deleted by Leaf Group, but can still be accessed using the Wayback machine at archive.org. Its URL was   ehow.com/how_7560230_tow-kia.html

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