Got a Flat? Fix it, Dummy!

Got a spare, buddy?

It never ceases to amaze the research staff here at the Antisocial Network when they consider just what internet freelancers will write about while pretending to be knowledgeable, experiences, or both. Just once! we'd like to see one of them admit, "I've ever done this, but I found a website where someone else claims he has." Ain't gonna happen, folks. Even simple tasks like changing a light bulb seem either beyond their skills to perform or – more likely – beyond their skills to describe. Take HubPages.com denizen Rhianni32 (Possibly Brad Bradford), a fakir we caught pretending to be able to explain "How to change a flat tire." Follow this guy's instructions, readers, and you just might end up in trouble...

Rhianni's advice? well, he starts with the usual, "This is something everyone should know":

"Many may not believe that knowing how to change a flat tire is an important skill. With today's technology and conveniences it may not seem to be needed anymore. I too felt this way but a recent experience changed my mind."

Duh. Brad had a flat. Big whoop! Given this vast experience (he's apparently only had one flat in his six-month driving career), he feels qualified. Here's what he shares with his readers: "Place the jack under a sturdy piece of metal underneath one of the doors" Well, no: place the jack where the owners manual says it should be placed, dummy! With most pickups and full-size SUVs, for instance, the jack goes under the suspension, not under the frame. Talk about messing up your day! And, for what it's worth, larger vehicles usually don't have a scissors jack, they have a bottle jack. That's not that mention that every instruction to use a jack should start with words like "Put the vehicle in park, apply the parking brake, and chock the other wheels"! But it gets worse: Rhianni's next instruction is

"With your car raised you are now ready to use the lug wrench to remove the flat tire... Getting that first twist is the hardest but once it is loosened the rest is easy." First, few -- if any -- tire-change kits on modern cars include a four-way lug wrench such as the one pictured in his post. Second, anyone who has actually done this task (and quite a few who are obviously just quoting authoritative sources) will tell you to loosen the lug nuts BEFORE you jack the car up! Otherwise, you run a real risk of rocking the vehicle off the jack as you struggle with the over-torqued lug nuts installed by an asshole with an impact wrench. But who are we to suggest safety to a generation that thinks risk-taking is the highest order of fun? Next, there's "...place your spare tire on. Don't worry about which way it goes on. The tire should only fit one way..."

In point of fact, it's possible to put the wheel (not the tire) on inside-out, but you'd have to be pretty stupid to do that!

"Pretty stupid to do that"? Wait: who were we talking about? Oh, yeah: we were talking about dumbasses. And the dumbass we're featuring right now is Rhianni32 – our Dumbass of the Day for today. Maybe he can use his award to prop up his car next time he has a flat.

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DD - TIRES