A Big Birdhouse for Dummies

Cutesy Bird House Plan

Many Antisocial Network staffers are DIYers of some sort or other; especially when it comes to home repair, woodworking or carpentry. You can bet that whenever a new project comes along, these folks almost immediately turn to the internet in search of plans and suggestions. We imagine that everyone else out there has a similar process: google it, ignore eHow and HubPages, and look for people who obviously know what they're talking about. That second step is critical: if you don't ignore eHow.com, you just might end up with dreck like that published by Bailey Shoemaker Richards in something called "Building Plans for a Large Bird House."¹ Trust us: you'd never get a "large bird house" out of these plans...

Richards opens by explaining that

"Putting a birdhouse together requires only basic carpentry skills and tools, which makes it a good project for younger builders."

Well, not with these plans. That's at least in part because of the list of supplies, which opens with

• "2-inch-thick lumber, 18-by-24 inches, 4 sheets".
• "2-inch-thick lumber, 24-by-24 inches, 2 sheets"

Wait, what? A 24 x 24 inch "sheet" of 2-inch lumber? WTF is that, anyway? At a good lumberyard you might be able to buy a 2 x 18, but a chunk of 2 x 24 just doesn't seem likely. We tried to verify the dimensions with Bailey's references, but neither of them actually has plans for this birdhouse... So, what's next? Next is the assembly instructions, which break down into "Align two of the 18-inch sides of the 18-by-24-inch pieces of lumber so they form a right angled L-shape. Place the 2-inch edge of one board along the face of the other so the edges are flush." We ask, of course, is there such a thing as an L shape that isn't a right angle? [note to self: an italic L] and also point out that you can't have edges that are flush, you have an edge flush with a face. But what do we know: Shoemaker Richards obviously studied birdhouses while getting that BA in Creative Writing of hers... Next you're supposed to

"Attach the boards with 4-inch nails. Hammer in one nail every 3 inches along the seam of the boards."

Hot damn! Five four-inch nails per joint! That oughta support a California Condor or two! Next, repeat with the other two 18 x 24 "sheets," then assemble the two L-shapes to make an open-ended box (using more 4-inch nails, of course). Now that you have a box,

"Drill a hole in the center of one of the 18-by-24-inch boards. Begin with a small drill bit and gradually increase the size until the hole is large enough to allow birds through it. The hole should be 2 to 3 inches in diameter."

WTF? First off, what's this crap about gradually drilling larger and larger holes? Why not just dill the friggin' hole? Second, she specifies a 3-inch entry hole? What's she designing this box for, barn owls? buffleheads? Shoemaker finishes off by telling her readers to simply attach the 24 x 24 "sheets" to the top and bottom (with more 4-inch nails) "to ensure that the top of the birdhouse stays in place"... That oughta work...
If you follow these vastly over-engineered plans, you end up with a box containing about 40 board feet of lumber, which we estimate will weigh between 80 and 100 pounds (plus about two pounds of 4-inch nails). Think a "young builder" could manage that weight? That these plans are an absolutely crappy design notwithstanding, the very idea that you can find 2-inch sheet goods -- and more to the point, that you'd need 2-inch lumber -- is more than enough for us to hand this freelancer a well-deserved Dumbass of the Day award. At least she didn't say to make it out of Legos... Oh, yeah, and a kick in the rear, too, for the eHow content editor who let this rubbish get published...

¹ The original has been deleted by Leaf Group, but can still be accessed using the Wayback machine at archive.org. Its URL was    ehow.com/how_7209593_building-plans-large-bird-house.html

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