Building a Double Bed the Dummy Way

Double bed dimensions

There is a lot of information -- and we use the word "information" loosely -- on the internet that is, at best, suspect. We know, we know: that's no surprise. What pisses us off is that people who know jack about a subject will happily spray bullshit all over the 'net in hopes of picking up a few extra pennies. We sometimes wonder: did these people even realize how wrong the crap they published is? Say, for instance, did eHow.com's Laura N. Stuart know she was in over her head while writing up the remarkably simple "How to Build a Double Bed"?¹ We're feeling charitable today, so we'll assume the woman with a "Bachelor of Mass Communications" degree is simply greedy and not completely stupid...

The question at hand could be pretty complex if someone actually wanted to build furniture – headboard, footboard, rails, etc. – but Stuart decided to use instructions she found somewhere for a platform bed. OK, we'll buy that: she did only have 500 words per DMS guidelines. What she did with those 500 words, however, was more than enough to demonstrate her dumbassery. First, according to her,

"The standard double bed measures 54 inches by 80 inches"

Well, no, Laura, a standard full mattress (aka a double bed) measures 54" x 74". Some references say 75 inches, but the 80-inch length applies only to an extra long double. Right away we know that she's in trouble! Second, Stuart wants  her reader to cut some lumber in three different sizes: 2 54" 2x6 Wood pieces 3 80" 2x6 Wood pieces 10 2x5 flat, wooden slits

OK, we'll buy the 2-by-6 frame, although it's pretty clear Stuart forgot to allow for the thickness of the lumber -- when assembled, the frame would be either 54" x 83" or 57" by 80" given the 1½" thickness of 2-by lumber. And while we're at it, WTF is a 2-by-5? and what is a "slit"? and why's this dumbass saying to use ten 2-inch slats for a double bed: are elephants going to be cavorting on her platform?

Stuart also wants her readers to

"Screw in hinges. Take the hinges and screw them into the outside corners of the bed with the wood screws..."

...which might work, although putting the hinges on the inside would probably work better, since the screws wouldn't be going into end grain. It's pretty obvious Laura has no idea what she's talking about here, though, since she didn't bother instructing her readers to drill pilot holes. Of course, she also wants them to

"Take the 2x5 flat wooden slats and cross them over the bed, perpendicular to the 50" pieces... [and]... Use either wood screws or carpenter nails to secure the cross-frame."

Which sort of made us wonder, "WTF is a 'carpenter nail'?" ...at least until one of our DIYers showed us his thumbnail. Whatever the case, anyone who follows Laura's directions is going to end up with an oversized and overengineered platform for a double bed on which he or she will continually be stubbing toes. That's what you get for using instructions written by a Dumbass of the Day!

¹ The original has been deleted by Leaf Group, but can still be accessed using the Wayback machine at archive.org. Its URL was   ehow.com/how_5082696_build-double-bed.html

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