Ceiling Hooks, the Dummies Approach

ceiling hooks, the real deal

Unless you live in a monastery or the dorm in a military school, chances are fairly good that one day you're going to want to hang something from the ceiling. It makes no difference whether it's a mobile, a swag lamp, a plant or something entirely different, it'll need support. And that, friends, is where a ceiling hook comes in handy. Just don't try to follow the ridiculously mindless instructions serial DotD Greyson Ferguson wrote for eHow.com (now Hunker.com) in "How to Put Screw Hooks in the Ceiling"...

Apparently skills such as this aren't taught while one obtains a Film and Television degree from SCAD, which may be why Ferguson, who's already demonstrated minimal familiarity with DIY projects, flubs this assignment. About the only thing Greyson gets right is his first step:

"Climb up a ladder until you reach the part of the ceiling where you want to insert the screw hook..."

...although even that instruction is a bit on the clumsy side. Our first clue that Ferguson's out o his depth, DIY-wise, is when he starts discussing the material of the ceiling:

"Screw hooks can be used with a variety of different material, so it can most likely be inserted into your ceiling. Cement and cinder blocks can be extremely difficult to screw hooks into and should typically be avoided."

Never mind the lousy grammar, in what universe does one "insert" a ceiling hook into a ceiling? and how often do you run across ceilings made of cement or cinder block? sheesh... But it does get worse: According to Ferguson, "Hold the screw hook... and press the screw tip up against the ceiling. Provide pressure by pressing up on the screw while you try to hand screw it into the ceiling. If you are screwing into wood the screw hook should screw right in. However, if not you are going to need a drill. Wood is the best material to screw the hook into. To find the wood plank on your ceiling gently knock with your hand. If you hear a hollow sound it is only insulation and air above the ceiling, while a solid noise means you have found the wood stud."

So many words and so many of them wrong. For instance,

1. You're very unlikely to be able to screw a hook into wood without a pilot hole.
2. If there's a "wood plank on your ceiling," you should be able to see the damned thing.
3. Those aren't studs, they're joists (or maybe rafters), and your ceiling is either drywall or plaster.

Greyson fumbles around for a few more paragraphs, including such scintillating prose as

"Install a drill bit that is slightly smaller than the size of your screw hook."

and

"It is alright if you go too deep because the screw hook is going to stop threading up into the ceiling once it reaches the end of the screw."

Wait? The AP Stylebook (the go-to grammar rules for Demand Media, aka Leaf Group) sanctions use of the non-word "alright"? Well, no, it doesn't...


Ferguson never even mentions hollow-wall hangers ("molly bolts"), and his only reference is a link to Stanley's website, which has no instructions, That doesn't surprise us, though, because clearly Greyson's never seen instructions to crib from; and it's a safe bet that our Dumbass of the Day had never put a hook in a ceiling before writing this post. Maybe he has now: we wonder if he's ashamed of how badly he did?

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