Linear Feet of Lumber, the Dummies Version

Lumber linear footage calculator for decks

You know how retailers pipe music through the speakers that is scientifically chosen to make you buy more? We've sometimes thought that as our researchers look for internet stupidity we should be playing Bob Dylan in the background – especially the lyrics, "You're an idiot babe / It's a wonder that you still know how to breathe."¹  Well, there are plenty of people out there so dumb we wonder how they remember to breathe, and one of them is eHowian David Robinson. David's contribution to the stupidification of the internet? "How to Calculate the Linear Feet of Boards."²

Robinson, whose qualifications to write about carpentry apparently boil down to "an honors Bachelor of Arts in geography and education and a teaching certificate from Durham University, England," almost immediately declared his inadequacy to address this topic in his introduction:

"A linear foot is a 12-inch-long straight line. Only the length is important when measuring in linear feet. The width and depth of the board are irrelevant. Lumber is often measured and sold by the linear foot, and it is often necessary to know the total number of linear feet required before estimating the cost of a project or ordering the materials. Determining linear feet is simple, requiring only a tape measure."

Oh, sure: "The width and depth of the board are irrelevant" – yes, he said "irrelevant"! A more asinine statement may never have been made! That's not to mention that no one (at least no one knowledgeable) in North America has ever referred to the "depth" of a board... but never mind that when there's something so stupid as that statement on the table! Robinson went on to explain that to calculate the "linear feet of boards" all one need do is Measure the length of each board in inches and record each measurement. Double-check each measurement. Add the lengths of all of the boards. Divide the total length in inches by 12 to convert from inches to feet

Never mind that this moron talked about ordering materials but told you to measure existing lumber, he'd already poisoned the well with that stupid assertion that the width of the boards is irrelevant. Let's take a for instance: you want to lay wood flooring in a room that is 15 feet long and 10 feet wide. If the planks you intend to use are six inches wide, you need thirty 10-foot boards, or 300 linear feet. If, however, the planks are four inches wide, you need forty-five 10-foot boards, or 450 linear feet. That's why, when ordering lumber by the linear foot, someone who knows what he or she is doing states the width!
So, David Robinson, you blithering idiot, the width of the boards is relevant. Take that and stick it! Stick it, along with your precious honors BA in geography, your English teaching certificate and your shiny new Dumbass of the Day award!

¹ "Idiot Wind" © 1975 Bob Dylan (Blood on the Tracks)
² The original has been deleted by Leaf Group, but can still be accessed using the Wayback machine at archive.org. Its URL was   ehow.com/how_8392483_calculate-linear-feet-boards.html

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