Squirrel-proofing the Clueless Way

Squirrel baffle on bird feeder pole

You know those click-bait images that show up everywhere these days -- like "the government of [your location here] doesn't want you to know about this one simple trick..." and similar crap? That's bait-and-switch, and it's far from the first time it's been used on the internet. Back when content farms were running wild and people could rake in the bucks for the most trivial crap, people like ParaGod at InfoBarrel.com were everywhere, dumping out crappy content like "Bird Feeders Squirrel Proof Can Preserve Bird Seed And Save Money."¹ Talk about keyword stuffing: that title doesn't even make sense!

ParaGod (who changed to that name from Scale-of-1-to-10 at some point) made matters worse by inserting the heading "How To Make A Bird Feeder Squirrel Proof" while not saying one darned thing about doing so. According to Para,

"...squirrels are like little acrobats and can access just about anything, anywhere. They can easily climb up and down the thinnest polls [sic] and the smallest wires, making them appear more like magicians than animals..."

Cute, but so what (besides confusing polls with poles)? We who own bird feeders already know all that. We also know that

"A squirrel proof bird feeder can not only help ensure that there is plenty of seed available for your feathered friends, but it can also save you a ton of money, by reducing the amount of replacement birdseed that you will have to purchase..."

Well, maybe not a ton, but yeah, savings. So how do we make a bird feeder "squirrel proof"? Inquiring minds want to know... and here's what ParaGod (aka Scale-of-one-to-10) says: "...buying a bird feeder that is squirrel proof is such a great idea. Fortunately, these theaters are very effective at keeping squirrels out of the seed. Once you buy one of these, your days of coming home to a spilled over or empty bird feeder are over..." Yes, according to this dolt, the way to squirrel-proof a bird feeder is to "[buy] a bird feeder that is squirrel proof"! Wow: whodathunkit! And while we're at it, Whodathunk a bird feeder is a "theater"?

Well, you friggin' idiot, there are actually devices you can buy that are supposed to squirrel-proof a feeder, and there are also tips about placement of the feeder. Squirrels not only climb well, they also jump like crazy, so any feeder that's just a few feet from a tree, fence, roof, or other object is unlikely to ever be squirrel-proof.

But let's be honest, oh goddess of paramedics: you never intended to give anyone instructions on squirrel-proofing bird feeders, you just wanted money – the same reason you dumped about three articles a day on InfoBarrel during the content farm days. That's why, six years later, you're collecting a nice, shiny Dumbass of the Day award. Maybe it'll distract a squirrel or two...

¹ InfoBarrel has deleted all its content, but you can still see the post using the Wayback machine at archive.org. Its URL was   infobarrel.com/Bird_Feeders_Squirrel_Proof_Can_Preserve_Bird_Seed_And_Save_Money

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