Indoor Bike Trainers for the Dummy Cyclist

No, Elle, the "rods" do not go "in the cogs"!

Every English speaker (and, or at least we hear, speakers of other languages) has words they use when they don't know the correct word; like "doohickey" or "thingumabob." Obviously, when one's pretending expertise, we can't use those inexact terms, so what can we do? Well, if you're like Elle Di Jensen (aka L. D. Jensen) of the Leaf Group site TheNest.com, you simply make it up; just like Elle did when she posted "How to Hook Up Bike Tires to Exercise Indoors."

That question is, when you think about it, nonsense, but Di Jensen (a self-described "exercise professional") decided that the OQ meant, "How do I put my bike in a trainer?" -- so she ran with it. Her only problem is that after introducing the concept of a indoor trainer:

"You love bike riding for cardio, but the weather doesn't always cooperate by providing you with clear skies and not too hot, not too cold temperatures. The solution: wind-trainers and magnetic bike trainers..."

...Di Jensen went off the deep end with her bizarre take on the terminology of trainers, not to mention that 1) no one has sold an actual wind trainer in decades and 2) she completely ignored fluid trainers. But that's not the real reason we're here to make fun of Elle. That reason is her total unfamiliarity with the real names of what she's describing. Here are some examples:

"They're handy stands that allow you to hook up the rear tire on your bike so you can exercise indoors": Well, no, Elle, that's the rear wheel, not the rear tire... "Open the stand and set it on the floor": A bicycle stand is either a clamp arrangement for holding bikes while working on them or a place to lock them. You're talking about trainers, Elle. "An open stand resembles a tripod with the resistance bar upon which your rear tire rests on one side, with the two support legs on the other": Resistance bar? it's not a bar, you moron, it's a roller: it has to turn! That's not to mention that a tripod has three legs and a trainer has four. "Position your back tire so that it's sitting on the resistance bar of the stand, with the wheel's cog between the two support rods. Placing the end of one rod into the cog will help keep the bike in place as you work": Place the end of some rod in our cog(set)??? Lord have mercy, this woman's trying to destroy our drivetrain! "Attach the resistance control to your bike handle by undoing the screw on the bottom and opening the hinge": just an FYI, Elle -- not all trainers have resistance controls. Just so's you know... and wtf is a "bike handle" anyway? "Instead of screw-in rods, some stands have spring-loaded levers that manipulate the rods that fit in the wheel cogs": We have no earthly idea what Di Jensen's talking about, but we would never stick a rod in our cogs!

In case you weren't already aware, most trainers clamp a bike in place by cranking down on the ends of the rear skewer. Most ship with a special skewer to fit into the ends of the clamp (what Elle calls "the rods"). 

Di Jensen clearly knows nothing about the terminology of bicycles, yet she wrote at least half a dozen articles on bicycles and exercise for DMS/Leaf Group, including one Leaf Group has deleted. Yet despite her obvious unfamiliarity with bicycles, cycling, and even exercise bikes, Elle just kept on writing. Well, she keeps on winning the Dumbass of the Day, too...

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