Lumber Dimensions for Dummy Carpenters

platform bed

Notice of a class-action suit that we figured was the very definition of "frivolous" came across our email inbox not long ago. It seems that two BigBox hardware/lumber stores are being sued because their 4 x 4s aren't four inches by four inches¹. We know, we know: how uninformed can you be? But then we thought about it for a moment... and realized that any freelancer stupid enough to think a 2-by-4 is 2 feet by 4 feet probably doesn't know about nominal and actual sizes of lumber. Sure enough, we had a DotD candidate waiting for exactly that reason: Marie Mulrooney, who penned "How to Make a Platform Bed Using MDF"² for eHow.com.

Mulrooney, a "retired personal trainer" and 3-time Dumbass, suggested that you could make your platform bed

"...with nothing more than a sheet of medium-density fiberboard (MDF), some 2-by-4s and a screwdriver..."

...well, at least her content editor didn't stick "foot" in the descriptions of the lumber. Mulrooney went on to provide instructions for building a platform to fit a king-size bed, which has dimensions of 76 by 80, on a frame of 2 x 4s. But never mind the stupidity of building a platform 3½" high: it's when Mulrooney started assembling the thing that you realize she was out of her league. Here's what she said:

Things you'll need: 4 2-by-4-by-76-inch boards 2 2-by-4-by-72-inch boards Lay two of the 2-by-4-inch boards out, parallel, about 76 inches apart from each other. Place the other two boards in between the first two boards to form a box that measures 76 inches by 80 inches.

We defy anyone to build a 76 x 80 "box" following those instructions. It'll either be 76 x 75 or 72 x 79! Still, however, you can tell that Mulrooney could be a party to that class-action suit, since she apparently thought that 2 x 4s are a full two inches thick. Idiot.

Marie then wanted you to

"Use the power screwdriver to put two screws, each about a half in [sic] from the edge of the 2-by-4 boards, into each corner."

Nothing about drilling pilot holes, just use a "power screwdriver," whatever that is. We assume a drill-driver, though they're not particularly good for driving screws through 2 x 4s. And then when you come to laying on the MDF, Mulrooney would have you,

"Place your sheet of MDF on top of the frame you've made. If you were precise in your cutting, the edges should line up nicely. If you were unable to get one sheet of MDF that was 76- by 80-inches you can use two sheets."

First, the edges won't "line up nicely," and second, where on earth are you gonna find a single sheet of MDF 76" wide? Oh, and what thickness, Marie? And while we're at it, ever heard of a framing square? We didn't think so...

So what do we have? 1) someone who didn't know the dimensions of a nominal 2 x 4, 2) someone who thought a platform bed frame wouldn't need a toe kick, and 3) someone who didn't know how to use wood screws, all rolled into one. Small wonder Mulrooney's picking up another Dumbass of the Day award! Mulrooney claimed her "design" can save you from buying a $1,000 frame; but trust us, you'd rather put your bed on the floor!

¹ We kid you not: Menards and Home Depot are the targets...
² The original has been deleted by Leaf Group, but can still be accessed using the Wayback machine at archive.org. Its URL was   ehow.com/how_4910524_make-platform-bed-using-mdf.html

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