Salt and Pepper Shakers for Dummies

Salt (right) and Pepper (left) Shakers

For unknown reasons, some of the most bizarre entries into the DotD sweepstakes seem to some when self-appointed freelancers attempt to provide answers to the simplest, most prosaic questions. In the case of Demand Media¹ properties, perhaps the most common reason for the weirdness of the prose are the site's hard-wired style and minimum word requirement. Today's nominee, Damarious Page, not only ran afoul of those structural problems, he also found other ways to qualify for the award – especially in the likes of "How to Identify Salt & Pepper Shakers" at eHow.com.

We'll give Page some benefit of the doubt, since the question is – to our eyes, at least – ambiguous. Could the OQ have been looking for help in determining whether Great-Grandma's Chicago Worlds Fair souvenir shakers are worth a visit to "Antiques Road Show"? One never knows. Damarious, however, decided that the real question is "How do you differentiate a salt shaker from a pepper shaker?" He ran with that.

We did learn, however, that Page's interpretation of the question had an additional twist. According to Damarious, "If you have a physical hindrance, such as vision impairment, however, these myriad designs can make it difficult for you to differentiate between the two spices." The fact that salt is technically not a spice, notwithstanding, Page's solutions to his interpretation are... interesting: he managed to pump out almost 300 words, including such wondrous prose as:

• "Salt and pepper are two savored [sic] condiments found on dinner tables in many homes and restaurants." -- "savored"? Did he mean savory?
• "Spot the difference between salt and pepper by looking through the containers if they are transparent." -- Talk about insulting someone's intelligence: why didn't he just say to look for the P or S printed on the side!
• "Feel the weight of the salt and pepper shakers in your hands. Salt generally weighs more than pepper when the shakers are filled to the same level." -- Sort of good advice, though "salt is denser than pepper" is scientifically more accurate, not to mention that a half-full shaker of salt and a full shaker of pepper are going to weigh pretty close to the same.
• "Rub your fingertips across the top of the shakers. Generally, the salt grains need larger holes for pouring, compared to smaller holes for powdery pepper." -- and finally, he gets close to the point!

So here's an easy way to tell the difference most of the time, especially with opaque decorative shakers (as opposed to the clear glass ones you find in restaurants): Salt shakers have three holes, pepper shakers have two. It's as simple as that! Oh, and as any person with a vision impairment can probably tell you, salt and pepper smell different – you forgot that sense, Damarious...

Page, however, had to pad out a ten-word answer to 300. In the process, he forgot to give the most straightforward answer while blathering on for another sixty words of so-called tips, such as "See your occupational therapist if you have vision impairment and need advise [sic] on identifying salt and pepper." Yeah, sure: and so here are two Dumbass of the Day awards: one for Page, and one for the moronic content editor who let that "savored" and that "advise" stand. Idiots, both.

¹ Demand Media Studios, aka DMS, was the parent of eHow and several other sites. It's now known as Leaf Group.

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