Colorado Rocks, the Dummy Version

Geologic map of Colorado

We live by a simple creed here at the Antisocial Network, a creed based on the adage "ask a stupid question and you'll get a stupid answer." We have two additions to that saying: "Ask a freelancer a stupid question and you'll get a stupid answer even though you don't deserve one." Well, some poor schmuck asked the internet "How to Identify Rocks in Colorado" – a demonstrably thoughtless question, if not exactly stupid – and for his troubles, got an answer from Laura Hageman that ranks right there in the bottom ten for stupidity. Hageman's original was on eHow.com, it's now at GoneOutdoors.com (if you care...)¹

Instead of politely informing the OQ that you identify rocks by identifying the texture and mineralogy of the grains (the very basis of every Rocks for Jocks class), Hageman decided to take her readers on a "field trip" of sorts. Yep, according to Laura,

"Colorado has some of the most beautiful rocks. Some rocks are used as tourist attractions and have developed into such large and extraordinary sites."

Sure enough, she's gonna take us all to Red Rocks and Garden of the Gods – though why she doesn't think Rocky Mountain National park and Colorado National Monument are worth seeing, we don't know. Oh, sure, Hageman managed to slip a few geology-y words into her verbiage:

• "Garden of the Gods is made up of horizontal sedimentary rocks that were elevated and tilted upward."
• "...in northwestern Colorado... many companies or individuals that will use waterfalls or fountains made up of basalt, which is volcanic rock."
• "...in Denver... There was an amphitheater made up from the red rocks that developed from the earth's movement."

There's plenty more where that came from, of course. One of Hageman's finest suggestions is,

"Search for smaller rocks, such as intrusive igneous rocks. These rocks were formed when they were forced into another older rock during the shifting of the earth and tides in the ocean."

That one is a real head-scratcher: is it Laura's thesis that intrusions are small? Better not tell her about the Sierra Nevada batholith... and our staff geologist (yes, we have one) is still trying to figure out what "tides in the ocean" have to do with igneous activity. Oh, and this one's a real winner: Hagemans suggests that you,

"Look for one of the lightest rocks that exists. You can find the pumice rock throughout Colorado, especially near rivers. It is red in color and was formed from lava."

Geology guy spent more than a decade living in Colorado, and he's never seen pumice there. He'll allow that it's possible down in the San Juan volcanic field of the southwest, but "throughout Colorado"? Utter bull – just like almost everything else Hageman jotted down. Instead of actually telling people how to identify rocks, Laura attempted to create a travelogue. Crap like this is par for the course for this three-time Dumbass of the Day.

¹ The original has been deleted by Leaf Group, but can still be accessed using the Wayback machine at archive.org. Its URL was   ehow.com/how_4464175_identify-rocks-colorado.html

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