Decks and Trees for Dummy DIYers

Build a deck around a tree

A couple of moths ago we had a week in which we made fun of a group of Demand Media writers who seemed to think that a 2-by-4 measures two feet by four feet (see a sample...). In reality, we suspect those dimensions are the work of a content editor, but anyone who let the CE get away with that is a valid DotD candidate. Speaking of which, that's why we're here: to reward another eHowian, Daria Kelly Uhlig, for blowing it in a post titled "How to Build a Floating Deck Around a Tree" for eHow.com (now at HomeSteady.com).

Uhlig clearly did some research, even coming up with a site that provided instructions for a deck built around a tree. Her problem, as we see it, was that she was so unfamiliar with the task that she botched some of the instructions. Well; get to that, but first, here's what first drew our attention to the post:

"Set a 2-foot-by-6-foot joist in the slots of each row of piers..."

Ummm, sure, Daria: a "2-foot-by-6-foot joist" of kiln-dried pine (not treated, just dried) would weigh something like 500 pounds per foot of length. Oops...

That is not, of course, the only shortcoming in Uhlig's plans. She combined the plans for an 8 x 10 freestanding ("floating") deck  with the plans for a deck built around a tree, but lots of stuff got lost in the translation from "carpenter-speak" to "Daria-speak." For instance, she tells her readers,

"Choose deck piers with slots to hold the boards in place. For an 8-foot-by-10-foot deck, lay out the piers in three vertical columns of five horizontal rows..."

...typical of amateurs who think in terms of spreadsheets: Daria, you dummy, these piers sit on the ground – they're not "horizontal" or "vertical"!
There isn't room here to go into details of the mistakes encoded in Uhlig's plans, but here are some of the highlights:

• The deck is supported by piers so as to protect the tree's root system, though Daria thinks it's to reduce "the risk of damage from the tree's roots."
• Nowhere does Daria say one word about how to level those piers...
• Uhlig's joists sit directly in the piers, though this is not recommended by deck-builders (only by a now-defunct website...)
• Uhlig frames her deck using 2 x 6 joists, which would be too flexible for their load. 
• She attaches joists to "beams" with deck screws instead of joist hangers.

In the hands of someone equally as clueless about carpentry and framing as Uhlig, these plans would produce a deck that might last through a summer – and might not. When we saw that "2-foot-by-6-foot joist" bullbleep, though, we pretty much already knew that. For her instructions that wouldn't do anyone any good, we're more than happy to present to Daria our Dumbass of the Day award.

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