License Plate Screws for Dummies

Rusty license plate screw head

When it comes to the phrase "do it yourself," we here at the Antisocial Network are sometimes confused by the difference between our definition and the definition of the folks who freelance online – especially the ones with "writing" degrees. Freelancers, that is, like eHow.com's Laura Paquette, who applied her BA in English Lit and MA in writing to the topic of "Do-It-Yourself Screws for License Plates that Don't Corrode or Rust" for eHow.com, now appearing at ItStillRuns.com.¹

Paquette, who's making her first appearance here, took a mighty swing at the question; which could have been answered in something like twenty words  by a competent DIY type. Laura, at least in part because she was bound by the DMS minimum word count, stretched her "answer" to 365 words, including such useless verbiage as

• "Make sure to measure [screw] diameter in addition to length; screws with too small a head may go through the holes in your license plate or be less secure." [That's cute: she thinks screw diameter is about the head, not the shank! Try googling "pan-head screw"...]
• "If the screw doesn't budge, try... squirting on some water-displacement spray as a lubricant." [eHow didn't want "contributors" to use brand names like, oh, WD-40]
• "Clean the license plate with the rag and spray." [Note: no rag or spray is mentioned...]
• "Warning: Never drive your car without the license plate securely fastened and visible." [Unless that's a warning about getting a ticket, what harm can that do?]

Silly verbiage aside, Paquette does a pretty crappy job of describing how to remove rusted screws. We find that we often have to use a Dremel® to create a new slot for a screwdriver or employ our screw removal set, but Laura thinks you can use pliers...

Still, Paquette saved her most ridiculous – and uneducated – comments for choosing those "screws that don't corrode or rust," suggesting the following:

"Purchase replacement screws. Many anticorrosive screws are marketed as outdoor or decking screws, and feature a plating that protects against rust."

We looked at the original on eHow, and it appears that Paquette invented this "solution" on her own. While she does later suggest stainless steel screws, the concept of using deck screws on your license plates is all we needed to award Laura her first Dumbass of the Day trophy. It helped that she was so dumb she didn't think of going to an auto parts store for an item that's pretty standard...

¹ The original has been deleted by Leaf Group, but can still be accessed using the Wayback machine at archive.org. Its URL was   ehow.com/how_7577453_doityourself-plates-dont-corrode-rust.html

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