Closing a Swiss Army Knife for Dummies

Lock-Blade Swiss Army Knife

One of our criteria for identifying dumbass freelancers is, to put it simply, a failure of logic. This failure is easiest to spot among the "contributors" who answered – or at least attempted to answer – questions for the late, unlamented eHow.com. That particular criterion¹ is why we selected Matt McGew for today's award: in an OurPastimes.com post entitled "How to Close a Swiss Army Knife," Matt showed that he couldn't figure out why someone wouldn't already know... because he apparently didn't realize that it's a valid question.

Instead of researching his task, McGew made the assumption that all Swiss Army knives are pretty much the same. That assumption is inherent in his introduction:

"The Swiss company Victorinox manufactures and markets Swiss Army Knives. These multi-function pocket knives feature a variety of built-in blades and multi-tools. The design of the Swiss Army Knife allows you to easily open and close any of the blades or attachments."

In point of fact, that's not quite true: you see, some Swiss Army knives (like the one pictured above) have a lock on the large knife blade to keep it from accidentally folding closed while you're using it. To close one of these knives – as opposed to one without a lock, such as the knife for which McGew found instructions – one must first release the lock. The precise instructions for the release  vary depending on the style of knife.

To be succinct, Matt blew it – and not only because he failed to mention that Wenger also makes "Swiss Army knives," which have a different locking mechanism. McGew merely transcribed some Victorinox instructions for a generic, non-locking knife instead of doing five minutes' worth of extra Googling about blades that don't simply fold up. He didn't do that, though; didn't even bother to wonder how anyone could be such a dumbass that they didn't know how to close a knife. That's what makes Matt our Dumbass of the Day.

¹ For you language-challenged freelancing types, "criterion" is the singular of "criteria." Didn't know that, didja?

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