Attaching Laminate Countertops for Dummies

You screw it from underneath, Robin!

If asked to list "dead giveaways" that a freelancer is way outside his or her comfort zone, our staffers might point out that people writing to topics about which they know nothing often get confused trying to juggle multiple sources. The smarter ones know to just reword one article and give multiple, fake references, but the dumb ones? Nah... We caught today's DotD nominee, eHowian Robin Hewitt, fumbling about in the text of her HomeSteady.com article, "How to Attach Laminate Countertops."¹

Hewitt, whose claim to fame is apparently some book about grandparenting, opens her post by opining that,

"Replacing a laminate countertop is an affordable kitchen update for the handy homeowner."

We won't argue that... much. What we will do is point out that, after pretending that her readers are updating the kitchen, Robin goes on to describe installing a laminate top on new cabinets. Oops... Of course, that's not Hewitt's only "Oops!" moment. Consider this bushwa:

"If you’re in the process of replacing a countertop, you may be hindered trying to get the laminate to stay tight to the wall. The trick is to attach the countertop to the base cabinets in your kitchen, and although you’ll need a helper it’s not too hard to do. .[sic]"

"Hindered"? WTF? And is there really someone out there who doesn't know that the countertop is attached to the base cabinets? Someone who owns a screwdriver, anyway? Whatever the case, note that Hewitt says "replacing a countertop." From this point forward, though, her instructions seem to be for installing a countertop in new construction, since she says zip about removing the old top. But that's not why she's here: no, she's here because of this mangled set of directions,

1. "Locate the braces on the bottom of the counter. There will be extra strips of wood along the back and on the front corners of the countertop."
2. "Squeeze a bead of construction adhesive along the back and sides of the cabinet edges..."
3. "Screw the countertop through the pilot holes into the back wall and to the front of the cabinet..."

"Screw the countertop through the pilot holes into the back wall and to the front of the cabinet..."
It's quite obvious from these "instructions" that Hewitt had absolutely no idea what she was talking about. leaving aside for the moment the confusion about remodeling or new construction, our cabinet guru noted the following problems with Robin's post:

1. There are corner braces at the top of the base cabinets, not the bottom of the counter.
2. Put construction adhesive where?! on the "sides of... the edges"? WTF?
3. That's worded as though this moron thinks you drive screws from the top of the counter and front of the backsplash. She's kidding, right?

Hewitt omitted any discussion of mitered corners, cutouts for sink and range, and scribing the backsplash if needed. In other words, our Dumbass of the Day made a complete hash out of this post, and any fool unlucky enough to follow her directions is going to regret it!

¹ The original has been deleted by Leaf Group, but can still be accessed using the Wayback machine at archive.org. Its URL was   ehow.com/how_5836120_attach-laminate-countertops.html

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