Homemade Fence Posts for Dummies

fence with pine log posts

Truth be told, sometimes we simply cannot understand why the OQ¹ even bothered to ask some of the questions freelancers at eHow answered (or attempted to answer). We haven't run across any about butt plugs yet... but we did find one recently that borders on the totally doofus. Nevertheless, sometime forklift driver and painter (with a "communications" degree, of course) Cody Sorensen was more than happy to tackle "How to Make Fence Posts Out of Pine Trees."

We, like Sorensen, assume that the OQ wanted actual posts instead of standing trees. If that's so, then the answer should be fairly simple: cut a pine log about seven or eight feet long, trim off any branches, peel off the bark, dig a hole to a depth of about a third of the length, and bury the bottom. Easy-peezy, you're done. Of course, that was about forty words; Cody needed around ten times that many to get paid. The padding, of course, was where Sorensen ran into trouble. Here's some of his dumbassery:

1. "Any part of the tree with a continual diameter of six inches is suitable for making fence posts." 
2. "Cut a flat cut one-third of the way through the tree at its base. Make this cut on the leaning side of the tree."
3. "Cut down toward the flat cut at a 70 to 90 degree angle until you create a notch in the tree..."
4. "Walk to the back of the tree and make a slight downward cut three inches above the apex of the notch..."
5. "Peel the bark off of each fence post using the sharp end of the hammer. The bark will strip off the wood once you get it going with the ax."
6. "Cut the main leader or trunk of the tree into fence post lengths. This length is usually 6 to 8 feet. Cut down through the tree to make these cuts. Roll the tree, if needed, to finish the cut."

Cody, clearly unfamiliar with the process, found an online site that described the process; although that site was based in New Zealand, it was basically OK. Cody's problems, however, are:

1. The source was all about ripping the logs into flat-faced billets with a chainsaw. Cody never mentions that tool, so his "continual diameter of six inches" is a bit of an overstatement. A nice, 3-inch diameter length of lodgepole pine would work just fine.
2. We think "Make a horizontal cut" would make more sense than "Cut a flat cut." You?
3. It's gonna be hard to cut down to the horizontal at a "70 to 90 degree angle": a 45 degree angle would be a lot more efficient... 
4. Must be a bi-i-i-ig tree if you have to "walk to the back" – clearly, Cody was rewording "move to the back" to avoid being dinged for plagiarism.
5. What hammer? And what hammer has a "sharp end"? Why not use the axe to peel the log?
6. That's sure a lot of words for "cut the log into six-foot sections..."

Cody said nothing about actually installing the posts, botched his description of felling the tree, munged up the process of peeling off the bark, and said zip about using the posts. We figure someone who knew what he was doing could have answered the question in far fewer and more accurate steps, which is why we've named Sorensen the Dumbass of the Day.

¹ OQ = "original questioner."

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