Bed Rails for Dummies

hollywood frame

Our research team members spend quite a bit of time wandering about the 'net looking for easily-recognized bogosity. They tell us that one of easiest ways to find a bogus answer in the family of eHow.com niche sites is to look for a stupid question. It's a pretty safe bet that one of the greedier eHow.com contributors snapped it up and compiled a bogus answer. After all, DMS¹ never let you say, "You can't!" Instead, you were required to write 300 words or so in three or more steps. That's just what Erin Ringwald did for Homesteady.com in "How to Convert Full Size Bed Rails to Queen Size"; as opposed to saying, "That's a stupid question!"

It is, however, stupid. We say that because the rails of a bed frame are the sides of the frame, meaning that the rails are (approximately) the same length as the long side of the mattress. According to one of Ringwald's references (and many others), queen-size mattresses are five inches longer than full-size mattresses, so it's pretty much impossible to convert one to the other without a stretcher...
Erin's doofus take on bed rails doesn't stop there, however. No, she managed to pump out several hundred words in a vain attempt to reword instructions for what is known as a Hollywood bed frame. That's after she insulted the intelligence of the average bed-owner by saying that,

"Instead of spending a fortune on a new set, use your existing one and convert it. A queen mattress is only 6 inches wider than a full -- meaning you only have a 3-inch overhang on each side -- and 5 inches longer. You can adjust the length on the bed frame itself and use converter brackets for the width."

Ringwald googled the question and came up with some sort of "converter brackets" that – in theory – will allow you to use an existing frame, turn it 90°, and rest the head and foot in the original rails. Since the kit costs more than $100 and a new frame costs about $40, it seems like a dumb idea to us. Whatever the case, Erin's instructions tend to be... rather weird:

• "Although assembly may vary, most bed frames have you lock the arms together by sliding the notches in place" [what notches?]
• "Metal bed frames are made to convert their length for use with a queen." [Erin apparently doesn't know that the width of metal bed frames is adjustable, or is confused about the difference between length and width]

Whether or not you want to buy the converter kit instead of just getting a new frame is up to you. The main reason we decided to award Erin her second Dumbass of the Day is not because of her strange economy or her lousy instructions, it's in that introduction: "The cost of a new mattress and box spring is expensive enough, purchasing a new headboard and foot board to go with it can put a budget over the top." This idiot actually thinks you can keep an existing full-size headboard and footboard and just let the mattress stick out on the sides. Sigh.

¹ DMS is Demand Media Studios, now called Leaf Group, the parent of eHow.com. The initials are perfect for one of our company slogans, "You can't spell 'dumbass' without 'DMS'!"

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