Building a Table the Dummies Way

Some fastening techniques to allow movement in tabletops

It's only been a few days since we spent the entire week lambasting OurPastimes.com (a Leaf Group site that niches old eHow.com content) and its "contributors" for some of the more ridiculous rubbish they scribbled down. Needless to say, the research team turned up far more than just seven posts at the site. That's why we're featuring yet another post from the site today, three-time DotD Jonra Springs and his take on "How to Attach a Table Top to the Base Frame & Legs."

Frankly, we weren't quite certain what the OQ meant by "base frame," but Springs was apparently convinced that s/he was asking about what is generally known (by people who build furniture, anyway) as the apron. With that in mind, he gave it a shot... First, though, let's see what Jonra had to say about the problem:

"Tabletops made of fine hardwood or wood assemblies such as butcher block are set upon a frame that holds the legs. These natural wood tabletops expand and contract due to changes in the moisture of the air between summer and winter. The method of attaching tabletops to the frames should always allow for these seasonal adjustments."

Oddly enough, Jonra was (sort of) on the right track. Unfortunately, he demonstrated pretty quickly that he had no idea what he was talking about. Or perhaps he knew what he was talking about, but was really, really bad at expressing it. Check out one of his steps: "Place the base frame on over the underside of the top. Lay the frame down with its leg attachments facing up." Besides the step's being grammatically questionable – we can't parse all those prepositions, can you? – we are rather unimpressed by the notion that a table apron has "leg attachments." WTF? Jonra forged ahead, however, explaining how many "securing points" you'll need: "Secure a tabletop with a large rectangular design that overhangs on all sides to the base frame at two points in the center of both short sides. Secure a half round table at three points along the straight end, and secure a small table with a drawer at three points along the end where the drawer opens." No "securing points" on any other sides of a half-round table? Of a table with a drawer? Are you getting the idea that Jonra is full of crap? Well, if you are, this critical instruction ought to prove you right: "Put an L-bracket at each securing point. Screw the brackets to the frames with wood screws and a screwdriver before attaching tabletops. Center the frame on the underside of the tabletop and secure the L-brackets to the tabletop."

That's right, you're supposed to attach your "fine hardwood or wood assemblies such as butcher block" with friggin' angle brackets! Springs cited two references for this "information," one of which was a link to some family's Christmas light blog¹ and the other of which was a link to an article from the magazine Fine Woodworking. That post (we found it at archive.org) listed three solutions, none of which included angle brackets!
In all honesty, we have no idea where Springs came up with his bushwa, but we do know he's collecting another Dumbass of the Day award for his incompetence.

¹ A website that included exactly zero references to attaching table tops to aprons or legs.

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