Trombones for the Dummy Musician

Parts of a trombone

Around these parts we're pretty convinced that when someone asks you about the "parts of" something, you would be wise to concentrate your efforts on the most important parts. Say, if someone were to ask you about the parts of a computer, you should probably concentrate on the processor and the input/output system before moving on the power cord and the USB ports. Doing it otherwise suggests that you don't know what your talking about... sort of like Lee Johnson trying to tell WiseGEEK.com readers, "What Are the Different Parts of a Trombone?"

Johnson, according to his various eHow.com bios, is either a "music journalist" with a creative writing BA or a "science blogger" who "studied physics"; take your pick. Whichever, though, he probably hasn't ever played a trombone. On the other hand, we have people here who have played the trombone, and they think Lee's full of it.

According to Johnson, the parts of a trombone are,

• The bell: 57 words
• The mouthpiece: 63 words
• The slide: 77 words
• The spit valve: 71 words
• Other parts ("braces"): 59 words

Oh come on, man, no one's ever called this instrument a "spit-valve trombone" or a "mouthpiece trombone"! No, it's a slide trombone! And yet Johnson's sole mention of the function of the slide is,

"Only one of the parts of a trombone can alter the note produced by the instrument, and that part is the slide... Players move the second brace to alter the note produced by the instrument."

Really? and you think people should believe that you "studied physics at the Open University," but you can't even say how the slide "alters the note" (someone who actually understands a trombone would probably say "pitch" instead of "note")? Well, we can:

When a trombone player moves the slide, that changes the distance between the mouthpiece and the bell and thus the frequency of the sound produced, i.e., the pitch. If you move the slide away from the mouthpiece, the pitch lowers; move the slide toward the mouthpiece and the pitch raises.  Johnson's list also skipped the tuning slide and the counterweight in some models, didn't mention the bumper, and ignored the fact that a trombone disassembles into two parts (slide and bell) for transport. He also appears to think that brass instrument players "[B]low into the mouthpiece to produce sound": it's a bit more complex than just "blow," Lee! Think our Dumbass of the Day has ever been up close and personal with a trombone?

Neither do we.

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