Patio Awnings for DIY Dummies

Wooden patio awning

We've noticed that the output from some of the more... clueless? freelancers has begun to disappear from the niche sites where Leaf Group has been stashing old eHow.com content. You'd think that whoever owns the websites would hire someone with the proper background to go through all the old content and flag the crapola, but that's probably not gonna happen (we do it for free). We have noticed, though, that some of the posts we'd long since added to our potential nominees list have disappeared. The problem? The URLs redirect to tangentially related content that is no better and, in some cases, is worse. We were looking for something else the other day, and HomeSteady.com sent us to "How to Build a Wood Patio Awning" by the one and only Ezmeralda Lee (aka Civita Dyer).

As is her wont Lee, here to collect her sixth DotD award, fumbled her topic from the get-go. According to Ezmeralda, you'll need to,

"Visit a Lumber Store [sic] and purchase 4 foot by 4 foot wood for posts... Also purchase thick wooden sheets to cover the beams..."

No kidding: and we missed this idiot during 2-by-4 week?! Well, even if Ez's dimension problems hadn't marked her as ignorant of carpentry, her plans would have quickly revealed her lack of familiarity with the task. Check out this instruction:

"Decide on the height you wish to have your wood patio awning. The use the circular saw to cut the 4-foot by 4-foot wood pieces into equal lengths for the support posts so that the level of the awning will be accurately maintained. Ensure that the cut ends of each post is adequately, planed. Drill appropriately, sized holes at one end of the post for inserting the bolts."

We won't comment on the likelihood of cutting a 4-by-4 with a circular saw or Lee's failure to mention setting the corner posts or the stupidity of using 4-by-4s for the roof supports. Nope, not gonna mention it, since the idiocy should be self-evident. Or how about this step?

"Affix a post cap, or beam-to-post, corner bracket to the upper part of each post. "

That's not what a post cap is, Ezmeralda... But wait: there's more!

"Attach knee braces on the outer part of the two support posts for connecting the beams..."

You probably don't need a knee brace for a patio awning, but if you did, why just brace two posts and not all four? That's not to mention that Ezmeralda seems to think you buy knee braces pre-made at your local "Lumber Store"... And finally, Lee wants her readers to,

"Place the thick, wooden sheets on top of the beams and screw or nail down both together."

We guess "thick, wooden sheets" is Lee-ese for plywood, but we aren't certain. What we do know is that her design completely sucks, especially since the roof (not an awning, a roof) is flat. That's not gonna work well in wet weather! Then again, we're pretty sure our Dumbass of the Day didn't give a rat's hiney as long as she got paid.

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