Bicycle Maintenance for Dummies - The Freelance Files MMCXLII

Construction of a bicycle chain

It's no longer surprising to our staffers that the old adage, "Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer" has never been truer than in the age of internet content farms. Really: if you're not familiar enough with a mechanical or technological problem to ask a cogent, on-point question; you sure as heck shouldn't expect some self-appointed generalist with an English Lit degree to both understand your question and answer it. Capisce? Well, some poor schmuck asked DoItYourself.com "How to Repair Squeaky Bike Tires," and one of their English grads, Nora Zavalczki, pretended to answer it. Nora's ignorance of all things bicycle, however, was pretty obvious.

Zavalczki opened by opining that,

"Oldbike tirescan [sic] make an annoying noise. In most cases, the noise is caused by inappropriate maintenance."

Well, Nora, that's bullshit. In most cases, "annoying noise" emanating from tires is caused by old, dried-out rubber. About the only safe solution is to replace the tire. We guess that could be considered "appropriate maintenance." What came after that in Nora's text, however was what caused a boatload of eyerolls in the staff room. Nora proceeded to tell people [her version of] how to maintain your bicycle from end to end to stop squeaks (except not from tires). Her text included such droll commentary as,

• "In most cases, the noise is generated by the contact between metal and rubber parts, due to a toe-in problem. Lubricating them and centering the brake pad and the rim are easy tasks. " – Nora's referring to brake toe-in, we guess, which wouldn't be cured by lubrication; not to mention that "centering the brake pad and the rim " isn't a very good description of the procedure.
• "Apply lubricant to the chain. Check the bike’s rollers." – A) you should probably clean the chain first and B) WTF are a "bike’s rollers"? Is she referring to the chain rollers? Jockey wheels? What?
• "Put the bike on its side. Apply lubricant oil drops between the side plates and the pulleys." – Whaaaaa? Is she still maybe talking about the chain? See the image above for representations of rollers and side plates. As for pulleys, who knows.
• "Lubricate the area where the brake arms are connected to each other." – Uhhh, lady, the arms of caliper brakes aren't "connected to each other"; at best, they're both on the same pivot.

"Check the opening of the brake and derailleur’s cables opening [sic]. Drip lubricant into the opening." – Sorry, Nora, there's a ferrule sealing the ends of the cable housing (assuming that's what you're talking about). It should be clear by now that Zavalczki knew jack about bicycle maintenance: she didn't know the names of parts or how they are combined to build a functioning machine. People like Nora who pretend to have the answer and don't are why we write the Dumbass of the Day. DoItYourself claims that the post was "reviewed" by by H. R. Helm in 2020 (Nora scribbled it down back in 2011). As far as we can tell, Helm – a truck driver/mechanic/welder – knew exactly as much about bicycle maintenance as Nora, and didn't change her words at all except to screw up the spacing in the first line. Feh.

DDIY - BICYCLES