Methane for Dummies - The Freelance Files MMCCXXII

Methane molecule

Believe it or not, there was once a television show called "Kids Say the Darnedest Things." That was, of course, before seven-year-olds had their own TikTok feeds and broadcast their darnedest things for their own darned selves. Be that as it may, we're not here to talk about kids: today, at least, we're here to make fun of liberal arts grads who try to explain science online. It didn't take a whole lot of searching to find the dumbassery in "Uses of Methane Natural Gas," which eHowian Christina Hadley barfed up onto eHow and Leaf Group sent to their niche site Sciencing.com.

The dead giveaway for Hadley's scientific illiteracy showed up in her DMS-mandated introduction:

"The combustion of methane releases energy, which is in the form of natural gas. You can use this energy in homes and businesses."

We hate to tell you, Christina, but that would violate the Law of Conservation of Mass. The energy released by the combustion of methane, which is a component of natural gas, is in the form of heat. Natural gas is NOT a form of energy, dumbass.

Hadley had lots to say in her little post, and much of it nibbled around the edges of facts. Here's a sampling of some of her more... bogus claims:

• "The planet’s heat and pressure affect the biomass of dead plants, so its energy-rich carbon molecules become materials from which methane extraction can happen. " – Not real sure what these "materials" might be. Methane is in fact produced in the manner Christina describes, not through some additional process.
• "methane... can power homes and other buildings..." – That's pretty rare: natural gas is a common power source for electrical generation plants, which "power homes and other buildings."
• "It is a common fabric, plastic, anti-freeze and fertilizer ingredient." – Methane's an input to processing of plastic and fertilizers; but not an "ingredient." There's a difference, Christina.
• "Industrial natural gas consumers include companies that make pulp and paper..." – Oh, hell, girl: damned near every medium to heavy industry uses natural gas!
• "Another common use in the home is a natural gas fireplace. There are also natural gas dryers for your clothes, but they are less common." – Gas dryers are "less common" than gas fireplaces? Or did she mean less common than electric dryers? Either claim is difficult to prove...

And finally, Hadley wandered deep into the weeds of power generation, explaining to her readers that,

"Through a process called distributed generation, the methane in natural gas can create electricity... The first system of this kind was put in place in a Latham, New York, home."

Why Hadley thought "distributed generation" is the source of electricity for the home is beyond us. As of this writing, natural gas powers about one-third of power plants in the US, and its use for distributed generation is pretty much an afterthought. Well, a few farms are powered by methane captured from manure, but...

Truth be told, we knew immediately that Hadley was attempting (and failing) to punch above her weight. Who but someone with a "Bachelor of Arts in design" would baldly state that,

"Methane gas... can also come from the distillation of coal and natural gas..."

Who? Well, a Dumbass of the Day, that's who.

SI - NATURAL GAS