Building a Stage for Dummies - The Freelance Files MMCCXXIX

stage substructure

The oldest articles in the eHow.com universe were, regrettably, uploaded without external references, so you're never sure where these people got their "information." Of course, that's insignificant considering that the material was vetted by a staff of "content editors" who generally knew even less about the topic than the person who wrote it; a freelancer who often knew less about the topic than the person who originally asked "how do you...?" That's why the website ended up with rubbish like the post "How to Build a Stage for Concerts," a Nichole Liandi concoction that now lives in the niche site, OurPastimes.com.

Liandi, whose back-catalog represents a rich lode of dumbassery, pounded out this piece of crap back in 2009, when she still used the pseudonym Nek Lia. While much of her oeuvre pretends to be about cycling and wiring, this time out Nichole tried her hand at theater construction. Suffice it to say that, if she had some sort of reference, Liandi definitely botched the task of rewording it.

Nichole wanted her readers to build a modular system of 2-by lumber with ¾-inch plywood for a surface. Her instructions, if you can call them that, leave much to be desired. For one 4-by-8 module, Nichole would have us add what she calls a "sub-floor" to a sheet of ¾-inch plywood:

"Lay out a piece of 4-by-8 foot plywood and attach 2-by-4 boards to the bottom as illustrated in the diagram."

Based on her measurements, it looks like Nichole expected readers to "attach" the 2-by-4s on edge – although she never actually said so. Each plywood sheet would have 2-by-4s all around the rim and two additional lengths across the sheet, spaced at about 30-32 inches. Given the wide spacing as opposed to 16 inches on center, we suspect the surface would be a little... bouncy.

Liandi's "plans" are for a stage raise 36 inches off the floor. According to Nichole, this is accomplished by adding eight 36-inch lengths of 2-by-4 evenly spaced along the long side pf the plywood. Again, "bouncy" without at least something in the middle. Nichole's worst (and most dangerous) sin, however, is her method of placing the legs:

"Attach each of these to the sub-floor of the stage module with two wood screws..."

That's it, the whole ball of wax. No cross-bracing, nothing to prevent the whole shebang from collapsing under the weight of a troupe of Irish step dancers except for "two wood screws" in each leg. Dangerous stupidity? You betcha.

That's just one module, with an approximate weight of 125 pounds. Liandi would have her readers build sixteen of the things, for a total of about one ton of lumber. She also gave no instructions for fastening them together safely. Duh.

This is what you get when you ask a Dumbass of the Day for instructions: a clumsy, clunky, dangerous plan that wouldn't get past a stoned safety inspector. Feh.

DDIY - CONSTRUCTION