Laminate Countertops for Dummies - The Freelance Files MMCCLIII

flush trim bit for laminate

It's not unusual for our staffers to find freelancers who seem skilled at rewording information that is utterly foreign to them. It's not unusual for one of them to be puttering along nicely in some eHow.com instructions, and then suddenly go off the rails. One of the most common causes of this phenomenon appears to be a failed attempt to marry information from two different sources. That's how we caught today's nominee, Claudia Henning, who parlayed an "Associate of Science degree in physics/math" into a job as freelancer for HomeSteady.com, where she shared her (lack of) expertise in "How to Replace Laminate Countertop."

Henning (or, as she sometimes styled herself, Verdia Bolster) cited a how-to about laminate countertops from Lowe's, which is usually a reliable source, plus a pretty much throwaway post from a blogging handyman that didn't include any instructions, just advice. Where Henning got herself into trouble was in trying to combine the instructions from Lowe's with another set from... somewhere else; she didn't mention it.

The first hint that Claudia's version would be undependable was when she reworded Lowe's instructions to "...screw a sheet of 5.2mm import hardwood plywood" to an existing laminate top; reducing that to "Measure, cut and screw a ¼- inch [sic]¹ thick plywood board." Weird that DMS² didn't force her to retain the metric measurement, not to mention that the "hardwood" specification was more important than Henning seemed to think. Oh, and no one knowledgeable of the crafts calls plywood a "board"...

Be that as it may, the chief "tell" in Henning's post came when she tried to explain scribing the laminate to fit tightly against the wall. The Lowe's post simply said to "scribe the contours [and trim] along the scribe mark." Claudia, however, expanded this to,

"Put the piece of laminate that will comprise the top of the backsplash [sic] loosely into place. Run a strip of masking tape on the top edge of the laminate that rests against the back wall... Run the scribers tool [sic] slowly across the back wall. The pencil will translate any uneven areas along the wall onto the masking tape. Use a belt sander to smoothly remove these areas."

We're pretty certain Claudia lifted those instructions from an uncited source, one explaining how to install a laminate countertop. That's because 1) Lowe's says nothing about a backsplash and 2) how would you even use a belt sander on a sheet of laminate? Then there's that "top of the backsplash" crap: most laminate backsplashes have a rounded profile, so there's no "top." Henning also tried to tell people to use a belt sander to trim back the edges; a job typically reserved for a router and flush trim bit. Oh, well...

Or how about this misstatement:

"Shut off the water to the sink. There should be a valve on the water line that when twisted in a clockwise motion, turns off the water supply to the sink."

Never mind the typical eHowian insistence on telling you which way to "twist" a shutoff valve, just about anyone who's ever looked under the sink will tell you that there are two shutoff valves. And by the way, Claudia, removing a sink (and faucets) involves more than

"Disconnect the drain and the hot and cold water connections. Pull the sink and set it to the side."

Sheesh: is there any doubt that Henning is richly deserving of the honor of a Dumbass of the Day award? We sure don't think so... which is why she's today's recipient.

¹ That's how HomeSteady reproduced her text; but the weird string of symbols and letters is ¼ in unicode.
² DMS is Demand Media Studios, the old name of Leaf Group.

DDIY - COOUNTERS