Screws for Dummies

Among some of our most popular DotD winners are those freelance posts that appear to address some of the most basic questions of modern life. You know, questions like "How do you change a light bulb?"¹ The best (worst?) of the lot, of course, are those where the instructions are wrong. It doesn't help when the original question is, shall we say, "stupid"; which appears to be the case with the Hunker.com post "How to Screw Screws Into the Wall."² See what we mean by stupid? Whether dumb or brilliant, there was always someone at eHow.com ready to answer the question – and this time, it was Greyson Ferguson.

Greyson's already graced these pages a dozen times, including such topics as ceiling hooks and drilling holes; both of which suggested that the boy never picked up a power tool while getting that Film and TV degree. He doesn't do any better this time out, despite the grandiose introduction to his topic:

"Screws are incredibly versatile construction tools. No matter what your project is or what material is being used, there is a screw made specifically for it. If you need to attach an object to a wall, there is an appropriate screw for the job; you just need to purchase the correct screw for the wall material, such as dry wall, [sic] concrete, wood or metal."

With that out of the way, let's check out Ferguson's instructions. Remember that he was obligated by Demand Media (eHow's parent company) to publish at least three steps and 300-500 words. He got the steps (five of 'em!), but only managed about 190 words. But are the words (and the steps) right? Read on...

1. "Insert a drill bit of the same size as the screw (1/4 inch drill bit for a ¼ inch screw). [NOTE: which is it, Greyson: ¼ or 1/4?] Hold down the release lock for the tip of the drill, and insert the drill bit into the drill."
2. "Drill a hole into the area of the wall where you want the hole."
3. "Remove the drill bit from the drill once you have created your hole."
4. "Place the screw bit into the drill, and place the screw you want inserted into the hole on the tip of the screw bit."
5. "Drill the screw completely into the hole. "

Our comments:

1. No, not the same size as the screw. Only a lag screw would be ¼ inches, to begin with, and you should use a drill bit the same size as the shank of the screw. Otherwise, the screw will fall out of the wall. Oh, and what drill has a "release lock for the tip"?
2. Padding much, Greyson? Where else would you drill it?
3. We hope no one needs to be told that, but you did need word count.
4. Juggle much?
5. Did anyone stop to wonder why you're just putting a screw in a wall? That's not to mention that you don't "drill" a screw, you drive a screw. That's why the tool is called a "screwdriver" instead of a "screwdriller," Greyson.

That last entry in the list is actually pretty important. We suspect that the OQ probably wanted to know how to place a screw securely in a wall, a question that – at least in the opinion of the people around here who've placed a screw or two in a wall – was poorly addressed by Ferguson's half-wit answer. Instead of discussing studs and their location, molly bolts, and hollow-wall anchors; Greyson insulted the intelligence of the average 13-year-old by padding his answer with useless (not to mention wrong!) information and inane drivel. Freelance writers who miss the point because they are lazy, greedy, or just plain unprepared to discuss a subject are precisely why we hand out the Dumbass of the Day award. Ferguson just collected his thirteenth!

¹ A question also addressed, specifically for outdoor light bulbs, here.
² The post has been deleted, and archive.org's Wayback machine never made a copy of the post. Oh, well, no loss...

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