Closet Shelves of the Dummy Variety

The photo on the right came across the company Twitter feed a few days ago, and one of the staffers remarked, with a snort, that the shelving in the picture looked as if it had been built following eHow.com instructions. No duh! We immediately sent an intern to scrounge through the archives to find a couple of candidates for a DotD nomination that might result in such a mess. There were lots, and we'll parcel them out over the next few months. Here, however, is one of the first we ran across, niched in Leaf Group's HomeSteady.com website: let's give a welcome to one Denise Nyland, with her attempt to explain, "How to Build U-Shaped Wood Closet Shelving."

eHow shelf instructions?

The first thing we noticed about Nyland's post was that she didn't provide any references which, given the quality of the plans, doesn't surprise us. What did surprise us was this claim by Denise:

"Because the shelf is U-shaped and is held in place by horizontal support planks attached to three adjacent walls, shelving brackets are not typically required for installation."

Besides not being entirely certain what "horizontal support planks" are (we figure it's her interpretation of a ledger), we rather doubt that a shelf with such limited support will be particularly sturdy. Whatever the case, Nyland's eleven steps (780 or so words!) were proof positive that she was utterly unqualified to write on the topic. Besides her... nonstandard terminology – everything is a "plank," in keeping with eHow's bizarre dictum to use nouns instead of calling a 1-by-3 a 1-by-3 – she's also clueless about joinery. How about this strange notion:

Miter the ends of 1-by-12s (see how it's done, eHow?) to make a U-shaped shelf the width of the closet (less ¼ inch) and the desired length. End-glue the three boards together. Really? Lying on the floor?

Then there's this strange construction: 

"Center a joining plank on a mitered shelf joint with its longest side against the shelf. Using a drill and 1/8-inch drill bit, bore pilot holes through the joining plank, into the underside of the shelf... Screw the joining plank to the shelf, using 1 1/4-inch drywall screws."

In the first place, we have no idea what a "joining plank" is supposed to be¹; in the second place, you don't drill pilot holes for drywall screws; and in the third place, you don't assemble lumber with drywall screws, you use wood screws. Nyland also specifies drywall screws for mounting the ledger ("support rails") and instructs the reader to nail the shelf to the "support rails" with 1½-inch wire nails. Wow: sturdy...

Based on her invention of bizarre terminology and her clear ignorance of the folly of using drywall screws to support shelving, we feel more than justified in presenting to Denise Nyland the singular honor of the Dumbass of the Day award. We suggest, however, that she find someone else to build a storage shelf for it.

¹ Buried in a "tip" is a hint about what those "joining planks" might be: she mentions mending plates so she might be talking about what a carpenter would consider a gusset. Unfortunately,  her materials list (found at archive.org; it's not at HomeSteady) does not include any reference to mending plates or any other devices.

DDIY - SHELVES