Roofs for Dummies

Rooftop patio

We've seen some pretty interesting do-it-yourself projects featured on the internet over the years we've been harpooning freelancing fools. We've found carpentry projects where the instructions don't match the parts list, building projects that don't build what they say they will, even instructions that are just plain wrong. It's fairly rare that we find a writeup on a DIY project that is, to be frank, dangerously stupid; but they're out there, just like the free-flowing river of candidates for the Darwin Award. As evidence, submitted for your consideration is Pedro de Almedia of InfoBarrel.com, who shares with the world his instructions for "How to Install Paving Stones on the Roof of Your House."¹

Presumably at the urging of the site's editors, Pedro included the obligatory warning to 

"Consult an architect, landscape architect, and/or structural engineer before beginning this project."

We figure he might also want to tell you to make certain your roof is flat, too, though that's probably because we read so many eHow articles that assume you're dirt-stupid. But that warning down there is advice that should be right up at the top of the article; not at the bottom of the page. You see, de Almedia wants you to lay pavers on a flat roof. It's fairly apparent that he thinks all flat roofs are concrete (they aren't) and that they'll support the weight of a layer of pavers (most won't).  A single concrete paver a foot square weighs around 11 pounds (half a kilogram) if it's one inch thick. If you use limestone pavers instead, it's even heavier -- over 14 lbs for inch-thick slabs. What does that mean in terms of weight? well, a smallish patio, say, 12 feet by 18 feet, paved with inch-thick pavers would add almost 2400 pounds to your roof, not to mention the weight of your barbecue grill, deck chairs, and all the friends who come over to play.

You'd darned well better consult a structural engineer! the rafters in a roof are sized to support the weight of the roofing material and the expected snow (if any). In a private residence – in this country, you're not likely to be putting a patio on the roof of your apartment house – the design is almost certain to be insufficient to support an additional ton or two of dead weight. In fact, we're wondering how the heck flat roofs in Pedro's homeland are built...

In other words, the idea is stupid, even dangerous. Be that as it may, we can't even figure out what Pedro is telling us to do with this instruction:

"Cut one paver pedestal into quarters using a utility knife." 

Apparently rooftop pavers (designed for commercial buildings, we might add) rest on little risers called pedestals. Whatever the case, we sure hope Pedro has a damned sharp utility knife! Pedro also instructs his readers to

"Situate a complete pedestal at the opposite corner of the quartered pedestal at the right distance based on the size of the paver. Place paver in the configured pedestals."

That's right, he says to start on opposite corners and work toward the middle – the direct opposite of what any professional (or even merely competent) instructions for laying bricks, tiles, pavers, and the like would tell you. Sheesh... what a dumbass: a Dumbass of the Day! a very palpable Dumbass of the Day!

¹ The original has been deleted (presumably by the website's owners, a pair of morons), but can still be accessed using the Wayback machine at archive.org. Its URL was   http://www.infobarrel.com/How_to_Install_Paving_Stones_on_the_Roof_of_your_house

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DDIY - ROOFS