A Homemade Grooming Table for Dummies - The Freelance Files MMCXLVI

DIY grooming table

Some of the freelance writers who infested the original eHow.com in the site's earliest days developed a technique that served their bank accounts well, although it rarely served the web surfers who stumbled over their output. Simply put, when asked a how-to question, the contributor (as eHow called them) would find a blog describing doing the project and just reword it. eHow put a stop to this in later years because blogs are notoriously unauthoritative, but early examples are still out there. Today's nominee is one such example, "HOW TO MAKE A HOMEMADE DOG GROOMING TABLE" [CAPS theirs] by returning DotD J. Lang Wood (moved from eHow to Mom.com, a website Leaf Group appears to have sold off).

Priorities for Dummies - The Freelance Files MMCXL

From time to time one of the staffers decides to share content that wasn't written by a freelancer (as far as we know, of course) but demonstrates true dumbassery nonetheless. The vast majority come from social media sites such as Facebook, but we've also had more than one opportunity to feature the stupidity of people posting to Nextdoor.com. Here with another example of just how clueless the average person seems to be is one of our neighbors, Dustin G., whose AA in architecture didn't seem to teach him much in the way of common sense.

Dog House Roofs for the DIY Dummy

doghouse roof with drip edge

In case you haven't figured it out yet, the DIY types here at the Antisocial Network don't have much respect for freelancers who pretend they've carried out a DIY task just to make a few bucks. If you've done the job, especially more than once, and can write up a usable set of instructions; they say to have at it. If, on the other hand, you're like Casey Kennedy and have no earthly idea "How to Install Dog House Roof Shingles," you're gonna get a DotD nomination even if your work does make it to Cuteness.com.

A DIY Dog Crate for Dummies

Dog with crate

A friend of the Antisocial Network spent a few years as an elementary school teacher, and she said that one of the hardest lessons to get across to some kids was the concept of reasonableness. For example, she once paid for a small purchase with a ten-dollar bill and the confused cashier gave her eleven dollars in change. Honest to the core, she used the exchange to teach the young man a lesson about reasonableness. A (not) surprising number of people who freelanced for eHow.com could have used a similar lesson. We're thinking of freelancers like Ricky Durrance because of his Cuteness.com post, "How to Build My Own Wire Dog Cage."¹

A Dummy's Kennel Roof Design

Chain link kennel with roof

If they weren't so sad (and exasperating), some of the cockamamie posts freelancers threw up on eHow.com while trying to "answer" questions would be downright hilarious. We mean, really:  think about the havoc the average "communications degree" holder can wreak on even simple DIY instructions! In fact, you don't have to, because we have some for you to look at right now: give a warm Antisocial Network welcome to Cuteness.com's Melissa Smith and her attempt to tell some poor schmuck "How to Build a Roof on a Chain Link Dog Kennel."¹

A Dog Ramp for Dummies

Indoor pet ramp (see curtains?)

The contributors at eHow.com (now Leaf Group) came up with some pretty weak attempts to provide how-to instructions over the years, many times because the person writing the post had no more idea "how to" than did the person (the "OQ") who originally asked the question. You have to wonder how pleased the OQ would be with some of the answers, especially if they're as limp and unhelpful as the answer Laura N. Stuart had for someone wanting to know "How to Make an Outdoor Pet Ramp" at SFGate.com.

Dog Training for Dummies

dog training

Here at Antisocial Network World Headquarters, we generally share floor space with not one but two largish dogs; both of whom quite frankly rank above the interns in the office pecking order. Even though the staff as a collective body has plenty to say about the care and raising of canines, we rarely feature freelance bushwa we've turned up about dogs. Today's post, however, bucks that particular trend. Let's see what returning DotD Mary Riverstone (aka Greeshma Justin) has to say in his/her/its EzineArticles.com post, "A Few Useful Tips for Dog Training."

Pet Doors for DIY Dummies

If there's one form of so-called freelance online "how-to" posts that tends to give our research staffers hives, it's the bait-and-switch job. To some extent we can understand it when a freelancer doesn't know enough to write instructions – understand it, but not forgive it. But when someone who claims relevant expertise pulls this trick, it definitely puts the BS in Bait and Switch. That's precisely what we have on our plate for today: LoveToKnow.com contributor Amy Whittle says she going to show us "How to Build a Pet Door"¹... but does she?

DIY Doggy Doors, the Dummies Version

An actual homemade doggy door

We don't know about everyone else, but we keep seeing these ads about "essential skills" everyone's grandpa had. We sure as heck aren't gonna touch that clickbait, but we certainly hope that one of those so-called skills was some form of logic. Yesterday, we featured some idiot who wanted you to dissolve Epsom salt in water and then let it evaporate to make your own Epsom salt; and today's DotD is just about the same brand of fool. Meet Simon Thomas, whose post "A Homemade Doggy Door"¹ appears at TheNest.com (though it started its life at eHow.com...).

Doggy Crates for DIY Dummies

These plans will not make this crate...

Many of the staffers here at Antisocial Network World Headquarters are do-it-yourselfers, which is one reason why they spend a lot of time making fun of ridiculous DIY instructions at places like HomeSteady.com, HubPages.com, and Hunker.com (to name a few). The main reason a lot of people do it themselves is that they think they make something cheaper than a commercial version. We're gonna test that idea today based on and article at TheNest.com: "How to Build an Inside Wood Dog Crate" by Courtney McCaffrey.

A Cheap Dog Pen for Dummies

A temporary solution: no posts set in concrete!

Our staffers have been watching with interest as the renamed Demand Media Studios – now "Leaf Group" – has frantically shoved its eHow.com content into various niches. It makes sense that articles about home improvements have moved to HomeSteady and Hunker (the latter's apparently a riff on "hunker down"), but some of the choices are a little puzzling. Take "How to Make a Cheap Dog Pen," a post by Laurie Rappeport at Sapling.com. Sapling? about "growing your money"? It must be because of the word "cheap" in the title.

Cold Weather Dog Houses for the Clueless Southerner

A winterized dog house

If you're a dog owner who's ever lived in a place that is cold – really cold, not like Nashville or St. Louis, but some place like Minot North Dakota – you know you need to help your furry friend keep warm in winter. That's why most people keep their dogs inside when it's freezing cold, but some people insist on outdoor kennels. If you want to know "How to Build a Winterized Dog House for Cold Weather,"¹ however, you probably don't want to ask someone like Krista Raye, who tried (and failed) to provide instructions at Cuteness.com.

Raised Kennels for Dummy Dog Owners

raised kennel with poop board

We've watched with some amusement as the people at Leaf Group (the erstwhile Demand Media Studios) have been migrating much of their eHow.com content into niche sites. We'll be kind and not call the process "FUBARed," even though it is. One problem that's developed is that they're taking poor-quality content and... well, they're making it worse. We found a new niche site, Cuteness.com, and a new DotD in one pass: Scott Mytyk wrote the eHow post "How to Build an Off the Ground Dog Kennel," which was bad enough in the original, but Leaf made it worse in migrating it to Cuteness...

Squirrel-proofing the Clueless Way

Squirrel baffle on bird feeder pole

You know those click-bait images that show up everywhere these days -- like "the government of [your location here] doesn't want you to know about this one simple trick..." and similar crap? That's bait-and-switch, and it's far from the first time it's been used on the internet. Back when content farms were running wild and people could rake in the bucks for the most trivial crap, people like ParaGod at InfoBarrel.com were everywhere, dumping out crappy content like "Bird Feeders Squirrel Proof Can Preserve Bird Seed And Save Money."¹ Talk about keyword stuffing: that title doesn't even make sense!

Pet Doors in Glass by Dummies

A pet door installed in a glass patio door

In the days before the internet, about the only way you could spread total bull was to publish a book or some sort of yellow-journalism broadsheet, or perhaps film a political ad for TV. Take, for example, the ridiculous concept of a "hollow earth," one of many such hoaxes in the pre-internet age. In the age of the internet, ordinary (albeit greedy) folks have come out of the woodwork to explain how to perform impossible feats just because someone Googled them – and many of these impostors picked up their paychecks from eHow.com. Here's one now: Owen E. Richason IV, who pretended to explain to some poor sap, "How to Install a Pet Door in Glass"¹ at HomeSteady.com. Oh, the horror!

We'll admit right up front that such a thing is possible: you can, indeed, buy a doggy door (or kitty flap) that installs through the glass of a sliding patio door and perhaps even a full-light storm door What you can't do, however, is install the damned thing yourself. For one thing, you can't cut tempered glass, which is the type of glass in most doors. For another, you probably can't cut a double-pane glass door. Every manufacturer of through-glass doors specifically states that their product should be installed by a professional glazier!

Building a Birdhouse, the Dummies Version

Bluebird nesting box

The research staff here at the Antisocial Network often watch the many birds who visit the feeders mounted on the break room deck. It's such a favorite pastime that there's a shelf of bird identification books and binoculars by the window with the best view. On a good day, you can spot dozens of different species, from house finches to a pileated woodpecker, at the feeders; not to mention the occasional red-shouldered hawk patrolling the yard for unwary diners. There are also a scattering of birdhouses on the grounds, but none of them were built following the instructions Mandi Rogier supplied to eHow.com visitors in "Plans to Build a Birdhouse."¹ We suspect no bird would bother...

If one were to follow Mandi's plans, one would construct a diamond-shaped birdhouse about 6½ inches on a side with a one-inch hole for, as Rogier puts it, "the entrance and exit of the birdhouse" – we had to admit this gave us pause: we know of no birdhouses that have separate entrance and exit holes...

Installing a Pet Door, the Dummy Version

Dog Door

Have you ever walked eagerly into a store or show room, your heart set on some marvelous bargain the store had advertised, only to find that the merchandise was no longer available? Sure you have; probably every time you've shopped for furniture or a used car, sometimes even for groceries. When done deliberately (it often is), this upselling technique is a form of "bait and switch." Whether it's deliberate or simple dumbassery, content farmers and other freelancers often use a similar technique called click bait: a title or eye-catching link that leads the reader to pedestrian bullshit, but doesn't yield what it promises. You know, like the Catalogs.com how-to article titled "Installing a Pet Door at Home," posted courtesy of  Info Guru Bryce Hammons (guru, our collective hiney!)

Torture, the Dummies Version

Scorpion

People search for some of the weirdest things on the internet, and the website we here at the Antisocial Network call the "mother lode of misinformation" stands ever at the ready to help them find that information. Sort of. We are, of course, talking about eHow.com and its stable of freelancers, many of whom are ill-equipped indeed to answer a question that involves technology, science, or anything more complicated than the voting rules for American Idol. Take repeat offender Baptist Johnson, recently found attempting to answer what we found a quite bizarre request, "How to Cut off the Tail of a Scorpion."¹

Coprophagia for Dummies

A dog-proof litter box 

In the never-ending quest for pennies, internet freelancers will visit any topic that looks like it might prove lucrative. Today, we'll look at a member of WritEdge.com who figured that if Americans spend billions annually on their pets, she should have a slice of that pie, even if she doesn't know cat poop from Shinola®. Here's what Sharon Katzman had to say in instructing her legion of readers about "Making a Dog Proof Litter Box" (note to Sharon: research hyphenation... apostrophes, too)