Tabletops for Dummies (Redux)

Hardwood flooring coffee table

The folks (Demand Media Studios¹) who ran eHow.com expressly forbade using their own content as a reference: apparently they were aware of how useless it could be. It looks as though that did not, however, stop their contributors from rehashing similar, previous posts written by other people who also didn't know what they were talking about. We ran across one of those just today: "How to Make a Coffee Table Using Hardwood Flooring," posted by returning DotD Lisa Wampler and moved first to Hunker.com and then to HomeSteady.com by Leaf Group.

As in her previous attempt at describing furniture making, Wampler claims only to have consulted a skilled tradesman, her husband (Charles Silket²). It looks very much, however, as if she also consulted an older eHow post by equally clueless freelancer Missy Farage, given that the Wampler-Silket version has some of the same foolishness in her directions for building an "accent piece" from leftover flooring.

According to Wampler, the steps for making your table are,

1. "Cut... boards to length with a miter saw."
2. "Apply... wood glue into the groove side... slide the groove of the next board into [sic] the tongue."
3. "Cut three pieces of hardwood..."
4. "Flip the tabletop... space the three boards across the bottom... Drive 1 1/2 inch wood screws through the three boards... into each board of the coffee tabletop..."
5. "Cut 16 pieces of hardwood to create the legs for the coffee table."
6. "Glue four pieces of the hardwood together, face to face."
7. "Place [a] leg in one corner of the table and then drive four evenly spaced screws in the shape of a square through the top of the table and into the leg... Countersink the screws slightly into the top of the table. Ensure one screw enters the top of each hardwood piece used to form the leg."
8. "Sand all of the rough edges of the hardwood with 600-grit sandpaper. Paint or stain as desired."

We asked the house woodworker for her comments on Lisa's (and Charles' [and probably Missy's]) plans. Her thoughts:

1. This is the same mistake Farage made. Instead, build the top and, once the top's assembled, then make a single cut on each end to form a smooth edge.
2. Looks like Lisa doesn't know the difference between a tongue and a groove!
3. No obvious problems.
4. You'd better use 1¼" screws if the hardwood is ¾" thick. Otherwise the points might come through, especially if you sand the top.
5. Where is she going with this? Oh, and same comment about length as on number 1.
6. Ummm, does she know that the back of hardwood flooring isn't smooth, finished wood? And that the edges have tongues and grooves? Apparently not.
7. Does she know that four screws in a square wouldn't contact all four boards? Is she planning on plugging the countersunk holes?
8. It's gonna take a lot more than just sanding "rough edges" to keep this looking like something besides a freight pallet.

Besides Wampler's failure to think through the attributes of hardwood flooring and her unfamiliarity with tongue-and-groove joinery, her plans would build a table that would start wobbling the first time you put a coffee-table book on it. There's no apron, so the legs will loosen almost immediately, and there's nothing to strengthen the legs beyond a handful of screws. Ain't gonna work.

Once again, Wampler's attempt at composing plans for furniture reflects her ignorance of basic design and of the materials and tools at hand. Classic Dumbass of the Day!

¹ Also known as DMS, as in, "You can't spell 'dumbass' without 'DMS.'"
² Charles' LinkedIn profile says he's a machinist for the Martin guitar company. Either he doesn't know how to build furniture or she didn't actually consult him...

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